Build a Lesbian Family

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

Question: After twelve years of marriage and three children, I unexpectedly fell in love with another woman. We've been involved for over a year and I'm planning on getting a divorce. I want to live with her, but I'm afraid it will be too hard on the children, all of whom are in elementary school, for me to move them into a lesbian family. Would it be better for them if I stay married? Thanks for your help.

You've asked a question that doesn't have any simple answer. It's important to remember that divorce is rarely easy for children. That's true regardless of what relationships, if any, their parents have after the divorce.

In addition, no one can know whether it would be better for them if you stayed in a marriage that was no longer working instead of ending it. I suggest you educate yourself on how to help children through these kinds of situations and make sure their needs are being met.

You wonder if it will be too hard on the children to be in a lesbian household. The hardest part will be adjusting to the new person in your life, particularly if that person is in a stepparent role. Again, I recommend you educate yourself about how to deal with this type of change.

The fact that it would be a lesbian family is relevant mostly because they may encounter prejudice from other children and adults. There are a variety of resources available about how to handle this problem.

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.

Originally published 2/22/99
Revised 11/17/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

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