Self-help Articles

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

The fear of rejection in interpersonal relationships seems to be common to all cultures, genders and sexual orientations. Some people are better able to deal with rejection than others are, but no one is immune to the pain of rejection.

I think that the key to coping with rejection may lie in how we interpret rejection and how we cope with it. As with many situations, the fear of rejection often lies more in the anticipation than in the actuality. We are more afraid of the feelings we imagine we will have than the feelings we actually have.

Many people who are afraid of rejection have never actually been rejected. They just imagine they will feel awful and hence take precautions so that they never experience it. They do not allow themselves to get too close to others in order to avoid the possibility of being rejected.

These people often avoid other experiences as well out of fear that they will get hurt and not be able to cope. In my experience, many folks interpret rejection as anyone saying "no" to them.

That is, if they ask a man or woman to dance, and the person they ask says no, they interpret it as a rejection. That makes as much sense as someone feeling rejected when someone says no to a second helping of food at a dinner.

People Will Say No In Interpersonal Relationships

It is not a rejection, but merely someone choosing to say no. We are not always going to get what we want. People will say no. And sometimes we may want a closer relationship with another person and that person may say no.

We must learn to accept no as readily as yes. Sure, we will feel disappointed, but it is not devastating unless we allow it to be so. Most of us are quite able to recover from someone saying no.

We do not die when someone says no. We feel the disappointment or hurt, it passes, and we move on. We sell ourselves short when we believe that we will not recover from life's disappointments.

So, between understanding that a "no" is not a rejection of our person, and recognizing that we are able to cope with disappointments far better than we think, we can learn to accept rejections and move on. The pleasures of being in close interpersonal relationships far outweighs the pain of separating.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.