Self-help Articles

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

I would guess that you are like most men who have a tendency to keep their emotions bottled up inside, believing that they have to solve their problems alone. Most men believe that sharing emotions is a sign of weakness.

Also, they believe that communication is only for the purpose of giving information and solving problems. The fact that you took the time to write and ask for help is a sign that you are willing to learn new behaviors, even if it runs counter to the traditional male approach.

Take Steps To Improve Communication

There are three steps that will be helpful for you:

First, since you seem to find it a bit easier to write down your thoughts and feelings, let's start there. Begin by writing your wife a letter. Tell her what you just told me.

Tell her how much you care about her and that you are afraid of losing her. Tell her that you are concerned about not being able to be the financial provider that you want to be. Tell her how you feel about the loss of the loved one to whom you referred.

The letter does not have to be perfect. It's just a starting point. I remember a man who had similar problems to yours. He could not talk to his wife in person, but was able to do very well over the telephone.

This man experimented with calling her on the phone -- even from the next room in their home. Another fellow used e-mail to share with his wife. And yet another used the "chat rooms" on-line. Eventually they all were able to chat in person.

Communication takes practice. Women are usually much better at it than men because they are trained to talk; men are trained to do.

Secondly, don't assume that your wife does not want to hear your thoughts. Many of us think that our thoughts would not be of interest to another person. The purpose of communicating is twofold: to communicate information and to connect with the other person.

In an intimate relationship, connection is more important than the information. The talking itself is more important what you say. Even the most mundane thought you have or the most insignificant feeling can be shared and appreciated as a form of connection.

Thirdly, set aside a particular time each night for about fifteen minutes for you and your wife to talk, perhaps over a cup of coffee or tea, or while taking a walk. During this time you can share the letters you write.

You can read them or have her read them. Then the two you can discuss the letters. Gradually, you can increase the time you spend together sharing. In time, you might not need the letters.

As I said earlier, communicating is a learned skill. It takes training and practice to improve communication. The more you practice, the better you will become at it.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.