SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Sounds like you've got your plate filled to overflowing. Of course, you're stressed out. And it does not appear that you are getting any support at home to help you sort through the issues.

So the easiest solution is to chuck everything and start again with a clean plate. The problem with that solution is that we often end up repeating the same mistakes. The task is to see what we can learn from these difficult situations so that they can be avoided in the future.

There are four issues here:
1) your marriage
2) your job
3) your impending move
4) your sense of self

In the limited space that we have, let's tackle just one -- your marriage. Apparently you and your husband did not have a complete understanding on how you each viewed marriage, your expectations, and the roles you believe appropriate for husband and wife.

Clearly, there is a serious difference in your beliefs about marriage. Your husband seems to believe that once a woman marries, she is supposed to be his fantasy mother -- always present, devoted exclusively to him, available to cater to his every need, and totally selfless with her life revolving around him.

He believes that a wife's sole purpose in life should be pleasing him and she should subordinate her individuality and sense of self to the care and nurturing of him. Additionally, he seems to believe that she should have no interests other than in him and that he has limited responsibility.

You, on the other hand believe that a woman should have be able to have her own career, her own friends, hobbies, interests so long as she also takes care of her home and husband by doing all of the traditional women's work in addition to her career and taking care of herself.

Your model, though a lot more psychologically healthy for you, is exhausting. It is like have three full-time jobs -- your career, taking care of all the household responsibilities, and being a full time mother to your husband.

Changing Her Husband Stories

Neither you nor husband believe that marriage is comprised of two independent adults, each of whom may have a full-time career, invest a portion of their time in tending to their own friends and interests, while equally participating in making a joint home and family life.

Unless the two of you can come to some mutually agreeable definition of what you want your marriage to be, there will be continued conflict and stress. I suggest that the two of you find a competent, professional marriage counselor to help you mediate your differences.

If you are able to come to an agreement of each of your respective expectations of marriage and the role each of you play in the marriage, then you will be working cooperatively with one another rather than as adversaries.

Once you have explored this option, then you can make a more educated decision as to whether to leave or stay. You may be able to re-write your husband stories and stay in your marriage. Or he may not want to change, so you will choose to leave.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.