Will Group Therapy Help Me Form Relationships?

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

Question: I'm a gay man and have been out of the closet my whole life. I would love to have a relationship or at least go out on dates, but every time I get up the nerve to try with someone, I'm rejected.
I was a very fat kid and even though I'm now slim and, according to my women friends, very attractive, I still feel unattractive. I still feel like the kid everybody picked on and made fun of. Knowing that's the source of my problems (I learned about this in therapy) doesn't help fix them, not at all. Should I try group therapy? Please help.

I'm going to suggest two possibilities that some people have found useful. One is that you do try group therapy. A well-run group gives people a safe place to get ongoing feedback about how they interact with others and what to they might do differently.

A second possibility would be to find a therapist who will help you change your behavior and/or what you say to yourself in order to improve the quality of your interactions with others. The psychotherapists most likely to take this approach are those who are skilled in behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, or a combination of the two.

Obviously you also need someone who is comfortable with and skilled in working with gay and lesbian individuals. Don't give up on changing: you've worked hard. Group therapy is one way to help you continue making the changes you want.

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.

Originally published 3/14/98
Revised 11/20/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

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