Self-help Articles

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.

The world is full of gender stereotypes, and you're struggling with one of the painful ones.

Contrary to popular myth, most lesbians and gay men don't play either male or female roles in their relationships. Gays and lesbians are just as varied as heterosexuals when it comes to characteristics considered stereotypically feminine or masculine.

There are some lesbians who wear leather and chains, and there are some who wear lipstick and heels. Some are athletic and some do needlework. The more versatile ones engage in activities and dress in ways that might be considered typical in both camps.

The same can be said for gay men, bisexual people, and for heterosexuals of both genders. As the scientific literature grows, it is reflecting more of what is actually out in the world, rather than simply the biases and fears of researchers who dare not report findings that stray from popular, traditional beliefs.

Research on Gender Stereotypes

 As more quality research is reported, we are finding that human sexuality is much more on a continuum, in all ways, from human anatomy, to behavior to preferences within role and fantasies. While traditional psychological research had everyone neatly compartmentalized, the real world is showing that people truly do exist in all shapes, sizes, personalities and behavioral preferences.

Some people prefer to behave differently in different circumstances. They may choose to be a certain way around their families, at home, and quite different with friends, their favorite sport team, at work or at a parent-teacher conference.

Luckily, we can express ourselves in a variety of ways either alone or with different people, and still maintain a core sense of who we are as individuals in the world.

If you feel more comfortable engaging in what is usually thought of as male behavior, that's ok. If you identify as feminine that's fine too. And if prefer a blend of different behaviors in different settings, that's completely acceptable, too.

You may find books like JoAnn Loulan's, The Lesbian Erotic Dance: Butch, Femme, Androgyny and Other Rhythms, helpful. Above all, don't let anyone else dictate your behavior.

What's important is to treat yourself well, regardless of gender stereotypes. Never let yourself sneer or snicker behind someone's back. Smile at them, both when they walk toward you and when they walk away. We all deserve that kind of respect.

About the Author:

Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.