SelfhelpMagazine

by Ruth Cherry, Ph.D.

Do you have trouble forgiving? Does it become a matter of pride? Have you ever said, I can't let her get away with that? Or, I should teach him a lesson! Have you thought, I don't want to forgive because they will think I'm weak? Or maybe you've thought, if I forgive it means that what they did was acceptable.

The truth is forgiveness means I choose not to carry resentment any longer. I don't want to give my time and energy to something/someone who doesn't deserve it. Forgiveness is not about the other person. S/he won't know that I've forgiven. It's totally an inside job—I release my anger because I no longer benefit from holding onto it. I'm ready for the next stage.

Forgiveness frees me. The person I forgive never knows that my outlook has changed. But I know. Forgiveness removes all traces of what isn't really me and what I don't need to hold onto. Forgiveness cleans up my personal space. I feel different. I feel more myself. After all, my job is to focus on my lifetime, not on anyone else. Forgiveness opens me to meet life this moment and to be fully present.

I need to be me in my fullness and my richness and my entirety. I want to live with integrity and I can't do that until I forgive. Forgiving opens spaces inside me which my resentment has closed. I have suffered because I have missed out on life due to my anger. But when I'm ready I let it go as though I'm casting off an old no-long-needed tattered coat.

I can forgive if I will. It's a choice but it requires determination and perhaps re-affirmation of my intent. Why wouldn't I forgive? It makes my life better. And in the end that's my responsibility.

Reference:

Seager, William. 1999. Theories of Consciousness: An Introduction. Routledge.

About the Author:

Ruth Cherry, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in San Luis Obispo, CA. Her specialty is midlife when psychological and spiritual dynamics merge. Dr. Cherry leads guided meditation groups weekly both for the public and for inmates in a state penitentiary.