SelfhelpMagazine

by Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D.

Many persons believe that a doctor is necessary only when one is sick. Sadly, many people neglect the concept of prevention. This is probably the justification for your girlfriend going to a doctor.

Regular Pap smears and mammograms, for example, are regarded as necessary preventive care for a woman. But most women know all about these suggested annual check-ups and still don't comply. If she isn't initiating regular exams, it might very well be the result of anxiety about some part of the process.

Remember, it is easier to deal with anxiety by being comforting rather than by being confrontational. Speaking calmly about the issue is better than threatening or giving her examples of what can happen if she doesn't go for check-ups. If you speak with her with soft tones and a patient approach, your chances of getting her to open up to you are greatly increased.

If you have the ability to find a good time to bring it up without making a federal case of it, perhaps you could chat with her casually about her past experiences with health care without mentioning her getting her own check-up.

Just see if you can learn something about her past.

There's the indirect approach and the direct:

Indirect. Tell her a story about how you used to know a guy who got hurt by a doctor and never returned to see a doctor again. Ask her if she's ever seen or heard of such a thing. Watch her body. If she twitches, turns white, stops breathing, stutters, rolls her eyes, etc., ask her about any of the non-verbal signs you see.

• What just happened?
• Why did you just quiver (or whatever else) like that?

Direct. Casually ask if she ever saw anyone get mistreated by a doctor.

• Has she every been really upset with a health care provider?
• Has she ever witnessed someone have surgery?
• If yes, who was it, and what was that like for her?
• Has she ever seen anyone die or be with them when they died?
• If yes, what was that like and how did she feel about the doctor and staff?

By asking these types of exploratory questions (not necessarily all in the same conversation or on the same day, either), you might be able to learn something important about her.

Like many other people, she may have been traumatized by a doctor or health care situation in her past. Unfortunately, some people have witnessed a loved one be hurt, mistreated, and even die at the hands of an uncaring, unscrupulous or unethical doctor.

If you know she won't talk to you about this at all, you might seek out one of her friends or other loved ones (sibling, parent, friend) and ask them about her past (use the same types of questions offered above). If they don't know of anything that might have frightened her away from doctors, perhaps they can find a way to mention their interest in her health, and maybe even ask her these same types of questions.

Some women, for example, have complained of rough gynecological exams which leave them frightened of further routine checkups. They may have had such a terrible experience at the hands of a doctor that they have never chosen to speak about it to anyone. Or they have witnessed the mistreatment of a loved one in a hospital or other medical setting.

What Can You Do To Help?

If you find out that some type of trauma or deeply upsetting event did happen, there are a few things you can try:

1.  Ask questions about the "upsetting" event at a time when you are alone with her, and nothing else is going to further upset her. Don't start this conversation late in the evening. If indeed she was traumatized, she might not want to talk about it at a bad time because relieving the details will cost her a night's sleep. Be sensitive and pick an afternoon or after dinner time, when she isn't otherwise pre-occupied with other important things.
2. If she clams up and doesn't want to talk, don't push. Back off and try it again another day.
3. Find out what you can do to make the process easier for her. Would she find it helpful for you to call to make the appointment and/or drive her there? Would she like you to wait with her in the doctor's waiting room? Would she prefer you come in and speak to the doctor with her? Would she prefer you wait and be available by phone if she has any decisions to make that might leave her frightened and unsure of how to proceed?
4. She might think of some other way that you can help. Just be open and agree to whatever she requests, even if it seems childish or overly indulgent. It might take a little "coddling" to get her there the first few times, but after that, she is likely to not need you as much and develop her own confidence. Remember that frightened kittens are not likely to come out from under the bed if you yell or berate them. With time and trust in you, those very same kittens grow up to take over the house!

Many people don't realize that someone they love and trust might be willing to go with them and make sure nothing happens that they don't want.

Finally, though, keep in mind that ultimately you won't be able to control this part of your girlfriend's life. The best you can do ultimately is to express your concern and to keep a dialogue open.

About the Author:

Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.