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Build Bridges When Family Issues Threaten To Divide

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by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

 
Question: My sister and I are 18 months apart in age. When we were children we were very close. Over time, I grew to distrust her.

In order to protect myself from hurt, I closed off my feelings toward her. The family issues seem impossible to overcome. On several occasions I have tried to re-establish a close relationship with her. She rebuffed my overtures.

Now, years later, she wants to become close. I am hesitant. Though I have enjoyed being with her at various family functions, I have serious reservations.

How can I re-establish a sense of trust toward her and allow myself to feel close?

As I understand your situation, it seems that you and your sister were close as children, but grew apart over time. Some situations occurred during that time which led you to lose trust and pull back.

Now both of you are older and you both would like to re-establish a more intimate relationship. However, you are reluctant to do so because of a lingering distrust.

Many times siblings that were once close drift apart. Often this occurs as each tries to develop a separate identity. Too frequently small issues become major issues.

When too much times passes the chasm widens with each being reluctant to make an overture to the other. In your circumstance it appears that you wish to shrink the gulf between you before too much more time passes.

I suggest that you begin slowly getting to know one another again. Spend some time together by yourselves talking about your respective points of view on the issues between you. Share some of your hurts and their causes with your sister. Listen to her with an open heart.

It's Time To Shine New Light On Family Issues

Sometimes issues that hurt us when we were younger would not be as hurtful today but we are still looking at them through yesterday´s eyes. By re-examining the issues in the light of today, you may see that those same issues can be dealt with differently.

Many times we protect ourselves too much, believing that we cannot handle hurts. The more intimate people are, the more likely it is that we will hurt one another. If we protect ourselves too much from hurt, we also protect ourselves from intimacy.

If you find that you and your sister are not able to resolve the family issues between you, you might suggest that the two of you together seek the services of a professional counselor to help you both express your feelings and gain clarity.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.

Originally published 07/08/98
Revised 1/19/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
 

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