Self-help Articles

by John Suler, Ph.D.

Because email has an adjustable conversing speed, the pacing of message exchanges will vary over the course of an email relationship. The excitement of getting to know each of your email friends -- and enjoying their company -- will result in an increasing pace.

This eventually plateaus into a rate of exchange that feels comfortable to both partners. As a general rule, the more frequently people email each other, the more important and intimate the relationship feels to them.

Some people email each other every day, or several times a day. Bursts in the intensity of the pace occur when "hot" topics are being discussed, when recent events in one's life need to be explained, or when work needs to be done. These bursts may reflect a sudden deepening of the intimacy in the relationship.

Declines in the pace may indicate a temporary or long term weakening of the bonds between the couple -- either due to a growing disinterest in the relationship or distractions from other sectors of one's life (usually "real" life).

Significant changes in the cadence always indicates a significant change in feelings, attitudes, or commitment. When people become enthused about email, they may expect that their partners will respond at a pace as intense as their own enthusiasm.

They may even unconsciously experience the interaction as if it is a face-to-face encounter -- and so, perhaps unconsciously, they are expecting an almost immediate reply.

Different response rate for different email friends

Experienced email users understand that different people have different paces. Some do email every day; some two or three times a week; some once a week or less. Even avid and regular users have slightly different rhythms.

You adjust yourself accordingly. You settle into a tempo that is right for each relationship. You accept that tempo as a meaningful indication of what that relationship is about.

Drastic drops in the pace, or an apparent failure of the partner to respond at all, throws you into the "black hole" experience. The partner's silence may be a sign of anger, indifference, stubborn withdrawal, punishment, laziness, preoccupation with other things.... But you don't know for sure.

The ambiguity inherent in the no-reply easily can become a blank screen onto which we project our own expectations, emotions, and anxieties. Common courtesy from your email friends will prompt them to let you know why they have decided to stop sending messages.

About the Author:

John Suler, Ph.D. is Professor of Psychology at Rider University and a practicing clinical psychologist. He has published on psychotherapy, mental imagery, and eastern philosophy. He currently maintains several web sites.