Self-help Articles

by John Suler, Ph.D.

A powerful way that people connect to each other is through words. In the beginning, Cyberspace relationships (CSR) relied mostly on language conveyed through typed text - mostly e-mail and newsgroups posts.

Even today, typed-text accounts for a very large majority of communication over the Internet. There are at least three distinct email advantages over in-person relationships (IPR).

1. The interaction is asynchronous. It doesn't occur in "real time" so you can respond to your net-mate whenever you wish, at whatever pace you wish. That gives you time to think about what you want to say and to compose your reply exactly the way you want.

This comes in very handy for those awkward or emotional situations in a relationship. Unlike IPR, you're never on the spot to reply immediately. You can think it through first, do a little researching or soul-searching, if you wish.

My advice for those very emotional moments is to compose a message, wait at least 24 hours, reread your message, modify it if necessary... then send it off. This wait-and-revise strategy can do wonders in averting impulsiveness, embarrassment, and regret.

2. The written dialogues of CSR may involve different mental mechanisms than in-person talk. It may reflect a distinct cognitive style that enables some people to be more expressive, subtle, organized, or creative in how they communicate.

Some people feel that they can express themselves better in the written word. Surely, there have been truly great authors and poets who sounded bumbling or shallow during IP conversation.

3. Text-mediated relationships enable you to record the interactions by saving the typed-text messages. Essentially, you can preserve large chunks of the relationship with your net-mate, maybe even the entire relationship if you only communicated via typed-text.

At your leisure, you can review what you and your partner said, cherish important moments in the relationship, and reexamine misunderstandings and conflicts.

This kind of reevaluation of the relationship is impossible in IPR, where you almost always have to rely on the vagaries of memory. In fact, if you want to get downright philosophical about it, you could make an argument about your complete archive of text communications with your net-mate.

You could say it *is* the relationship with that person, perfectly preserved in bits and bytes. It's not unlike a novel, which isn't a record of characters and plot, but rather *is* the characters and plot.

Email Advantages and Disadvantages

The big disadvantage of text-driven relationships is what's missing vis-a-vis IPR. There are no voices, facial expressions, or body language to convey meaning and emotion. That issue takes us to the first of the five senses -- hearing.

The human voice is rich in meaning and emotion. A sharp edge to someone's words can rouse your suspicion or anger. Just the sound of a loved one's voice can be enough to create feelings of comfort and joy.

Singing - one of the most expressive of human activities -- powerfully unites people. In CSR mediated by text only, both obvious and subtle nuances in voice pitch and volume are completely absent.

And singing is impossible (unless you consider the mutual recitation of lyrics as singing... which some onliners do). Advocates of text-driven CSR do have a comeback to this criticism.

Lacking auditory and visual cues, the e-mail message or newsgroup post can be productively ambiguous in tone. When reading that typed message, there is a strong tendency to project -- sometimes unconsciously -- your own expectations, wishes, anxieties, and fears into what the person wrote.

Psychoanalytic thinkers call this "transference." Distorting the person's intended meaning could lead to misunderstandings and conflict. It could stimulate countertransference reactions from your Internet partner.

On the other hand, if you discuss your (mis)perceptions with your friend, you are revealing underlying (perhaps unconscious) elements of how you think and feel. In a sense, you are being more real with the other person, allowing a deeper relationship to form.

Of course, this more rich and meaningful relationship will only develop when people are mature enough to talk about and work through those projections and transferences with each other.

An entirely different comeback for cyberspace advocates is that one's voice can be heard via the Internet. It's only a matter of time before audio-streaming becomes perfected to the point where it matches the quality of IPR.

In fact, conversing in cyberspace may have some distinct advantages. If you so desire, conversations easily could be saved and replayed -- which isn't possible in IPR, unless you're carrying a tape recorder.

Using software programs, nuances in voice pitch and volume can be examined more carefully for subtle emotions and meaning. Programs also could allow you to modify your voice as you transmit it. If you want to speak in the voice of Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwartzenegger, or Daffy Duck, so be it.

Or you can add in any auditory special effect you desire in order to embellish your words -- Pomp and Circumstance, explosions, quacks. As we'll see over and over again, a unique feature of CSR is the ability to use imagination and fantasy to shape the way in which you desire to present yourself.

This can be a fascinating and revealing dimension to a relationship. You may have come across even more email advantages and disadvantages. Your relationship style may lend itself more to CSR or IPR.

About the Author:

John Suler, Ph.D. is Professor of Psychology at Rider University and a practicing clinical psychologist. He has published on psychotherapy, mental imagery, and eastern philosophy. He currently maintains several web sites.