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Older Women Talking about Sex
by Beverly Johnson, Ph.D., RN
These are the words of an 83-year-old widow: "Physical satisfaction is not the only aim of sex...it is the nearness of someone throughout the lonely nights of people in their 70s and 80s. We need someone to hold, hug and confide in."
A married woman age 57 said: "I believe sex is a wonderful outlet for love and physical health. It's worth trying to keep alive in advancing age... it makes one feel youthful and close to one's mate."
A different story is told by a married 64-year-old woman: "Now that I approach retiring age, seems I am constantly compared by my spouse to other younger and attractive women... I have always been affectionate and supportive... I feel undesired."
These are a few of the words of more than 600 women age 50 and older who participated in a survey of women on sexuality and aging.
When I was an assistant professor of nursing at the University of Vermont, I invited readers of AARP's "Modern Maturity" who were age 50 and older to participate in my study of older adults' sexuality. I asked the readers to complete surveys on such topics as health, sense of self worth, intimate relationships, and attitudes. To encourage the participants to be as open and honest as possible, I asked them not to sign their names to the questionnaires.
I also invited the participants to describe their degree of interest, participation and satisfaction for a variety of sexual activities such as sitting and holding hands to reading or looking at erotic materials to saying, "I love (or like) you" to more physically intimate activities such as kissing, hugging, intercourse, masturbation and oral sex. I wanted to explore sexuality in older adults from a broad perspective and not just equate sexuality with sex or sexual behaviors.
Studies looking at sexuality in this age group are especially significant as society has often seen older adults as sexually uninterested, uninteresting and incapable. An earlier study of contemporary adult sexual behavior by University of Chicago researchers only included adults between the ages of 18 and 59. The researchers used this upper age limit since they found previous research had shown both the amount and variety of sexual behaviors declined with age. Financial constraints of the study also led them to reduce the upper age limit from age 65 to age 59.
My study, then, intentionally examined women older ranges, and included items to provide a view of older female sexuality, beyond frequency and type of sexual behaviors. I also sought to include other aspects of oneself, such as self-esteem and intimacy.
How Did These Older Women Describe Themselves?
Nearly one-half of the women were married, while one-third were widowed. Three quarters of the women were satisfied with their lives in general. Their health status reports indicated that 40 percent had had a hysterectomy, while their most common health problems were arthritis and high blood pressure. Eighty five percent of the women described their health as good.
I also found that women saw themselves from a positive self view and as participants in intimate relationships (41 percent described their spouse as the person to whom they were most close while 33 percent said such a person was a friend). For example, 90 percent of the women reported, "I feel I have a number of good qualities," and "I take a positive attitude toward myself." Half of the women said their closest relationship provided sexual satisfaction while over 80 percent described their intimate partner as physically attractive, and both partners had a strong emotional attraction for each other.
Women also described themselves as knowledgeable about sexuality and aging and liberal in their sexual attitudes. They knew physical changes in sexual function were associated with aging and 85 percent said older adults continue their sexual interest and activity well into old age if they are healthy. Furthermore, 90 percent believed sex was not just for the young, that late life romances are good, that and sexuality continues throughout life.
In this study women described their sexual interest, participation, and satisfaction in various sexual activities:
- At least 50 percent reported being very interested, active in, and satisfied with activities such as sitting next to someone and talking, making oneself more attractive, hearing or saying "I love (or like) you," kissing, hugging, and caressing.
- Two-thirds of the women said they were "very interested" in sexual intercourse.
- Fifty percent or less said they participated "very often" in sexual intercourse.
- Sexual activities for which one-third of the women or less expressed being, "very interested, active in, and satisfied with" included talking about sexuality, reading or watching erotic materials, daydreaming about sex, masturbation and oral sex.
- Compared to their younger years, only 35 percent of the women said their present sexual interest had decreased.
- Fifty-six percent of the women said their sexual participation had decreased
- Thirty-eight percent said overall sexual satisfaction had decreased. These facets of sexual behaviors do continue for this group of older women!
For this group of older women, I concluded that greater levels of sexual interest, participation and, greater levels of satisfaction characterized those women who saw themselves in a positive light, had intimate relationships and had liberal sexual attitudes. Although the results of this study can't be generalized to the population of older U.S. women because the women had volunteered to participate rather than being randomly selected, the results do describe a view of positive and continuing sexuality of community-based older women.
About the Author:
Beverly Johnson, Ph.D., RN is a post doctoral student and researcher at the University of Washington School of Nursing.
Originally published 5/13/98
Revised 9/03/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
Revised 9/03/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
I am 45 , married but interested carolyn
I am over 60 but I still feel like I am in my 40's. I was a
dance instructor when I was in my 20's and always have remained active and exerise several time a week. I am looking for a woman who feels attractive and in good shape and good health. I am widowed and had a super marriage for over 35 years. Dating again would be an adventure again and would love have feelings again as I do enjoy having sex. I hope to meet someone who loves to have fun. At the present time, I have been travelling and getting together with friends. David
Male 61 married three times now. I love women. Older women who are fit are still a turn on. I want to find one now who wants to be as active as I am. I can do it every night still. However I prefer early afternoon delight. I hope they make viagra and KY jelly together someday, I'll put it on my toast for breakfast. I had a girlfriend in the first grade and I never wanted to stop. Its not just about my satisfaction. It is also about her satisfaction. I like a woman who will be honest about masturbation and does so on a regular basis. I really like to watch. Hopefully this will make it past the boot button.
I am 66. Widower for two years. Lonely. Need a female friend. Still working in my career. Open for a friendship relation but not marriage.
I'm a younger guy(49) that loves the value an older woman brings. I see things differently than most. I love the beauty older women have that comes only through years of living loving and caring.
we have a chance to find our soulmate but as the time runs out the i become rarer .
I am married to a man 15 years younger than me - we have been together for 26 years and the first 15 years were amazing - then he got restless as he got to age 40 (we were 39 and 24 when we met.) sais he wanted freedom other women and children but didnt want to lose me as he loved me dearly I stayed around whilst he worked though it - he had a 6 month affair with a woman at work and dropped it but kept the friendship when i found out - he still wanted me at the same time and loved me more and wouldnt leave me for her He had a very emotionally cold childhood and I fill that gap - he needs me - but I want him to want me too!!Had a strong sexual relationship and gradually he has lost interestt in me - we still cuddle up to eacj other each night and he is very kind and gentle -he says it is natural to lose interest and i should accept it and he has seen lots of articles - that men want lots of partners - keeps saying how much he loves me and happy to be with me with very occasional sex - I say it is hurtfull when he says he doesnt fancy me any more - he says his fancying is still there but for younger women - I feel i should leave him but love him dearly and we get on so well in other ways - he says we are sould mates but he would like children and I cant give him them didnt want them when younger and now too late for me I havce 2 children who love him - I say that we could try to enliven things but feel humiliated by his lack mof effort - maybe i should settle for this but feel vulnerable as he is bound to find someone - an attractive and clever man - I look okay and have kpet my figure and look pretty well as i always do.
I met the women i love when she was 63 and I was 34,We have been together since.She is 78 and I just turned 50.And the fire burns hotter now than it did when we first started.The heart knows no age.Trust me I can not hardley keep up with this hotie
i think ur problem is just like the other older women.when we were young we have a chance to find our soulmate but as the time runs out the i become rarer .....
I am a 61 year old male. I am healthy, educated, well employed, and very physical. After a heart breaking divorce following 33 years of marriage, and 4 children I was lonely. I subscribed to MATCH.COM. I dated a very nice women for one year, but we were not compatible. I went back to MATCH.COM, and I am now married to the women I met there on my second try. You have to be aggressive and very picky. Know what you want in broad terms before you start, and end conversations the minute those broad caregories are not forthcoming. Be flexible beyond those primary categories. No one is perfect. My new wife, age 57, and I have 7 children, and 5 grandchildren. We have career problems, health problems and money problems.
We love each other very much, and the sex is better than at any time in my life. Get on the internet --it works.
TB
I am male age 64,and I am attracted to women your age,so do not give.Many men are looking for you.
I am 39 yrs. old and I think women in their sixties are very sexy.
I am 49 and married, I have always admired older women but even moreso in the last couple of years as my wife and I are no longer intimate we are still however very much in love. I will admit that every day now I catch myself looking admiringly at 60 and 70 plus year old ladies. And although I would never leave my wife I would however....... I guess I don't know what I'm trying to say except "Carolyn don't sell yourself short and take those blinders off, you sound like a beautifull person with much too offer, your age is only an asset (a bonus), don't let opportunities slip you by. I can only hope that when my wife reaches 60 (I will still be around) and a spark will reignite her passions so that we can both share in her mature sexuality.
Tom
You know, Carolyn, you bring up some interesting points. But I will have to add a little something to sort of "stir the pot", so to speak. I am 28 and have an attraction for older women--that is, women older than me. The attraction is in women 40+, but I seem to prefer those almost twice my age, such as yourself. The difficulty is in the approach, and I have never quite understood how to approach a woman that is twice my age...what would she think? My friends think I'm crazy, as I seem to attract many females of my own age...but they don't interest me. Again, I would enjoy a relationship with a woman of your age, but I feel disconnected and alienated in the approach. Perhaps that is the reason some men are deterred. I am, however, a unique case, albeit honest, though. :) Yes, some men seek younger women; I suppose I am the exception.
Dear Carolyn
Actually, for me it is hard to find a willing woman on your age.
I am 36 now, and I really enjoy the company of an older lady which I miss.
I was not able to find an online community for ladies of your age to be able to get more in touch with them.
Lots fo Love
I am dating a woman whos 74 and I am 51. I find her exciting an have always found much older women very sexy.
THis woman is fun to flirt with and has let me know shes very interested in having adult fun with me and I can't wait to lite up the fire works, its kinda like what Ben Franklin said, older women are better as they know what there doing, there happy to just have sex with you and show it and also you dont have to worry bout un-wanted children popping up!
PS if that 60 year old woman wants send my email along to her!
It IS American culture, unfortunately, Carolyn. Unless an older woman looks like Madonna or Demi Moore (who seem to have embraced perpetual youthfulness through extreme exercise routines and plastic surgery or botox, etc.), most men are not interested no matter how smart or even attractive an older woman is. However, the pendulum has also swung in the other direction: witness the rise of the cougar, the older, wealthy woman who can get her share of younger attractive men. Maybe that saying that "what goes around comes around", is true.
Are you physically attractive or have you let yourself go? My wife is 60, she still looks good. She dresses well. Her hair is long and she wears tops that show a little cleavage and it looks good.
I like what you said..
i hope that i gonna marry a women like u,there is no age for sex
just try to find them..not all old men are looking for young women!
What a helpful article Beverly, and a reminder of what remains hidden for so many, for so much of the time.
If you "google" "talking about sex," it seems that the vast majority of articles are about "talking to teens about sex" and not about the need for adults of all ages to be able to dialogue with their partner about their sexuality, as well as other private intimacies, fears, desires and dreams.
Best wishes to you in your work in this area.
Kind regards,
Dr. T. Sellick
i find that an older woman can be very attractive if she takes care of herself mentally and physically. there is also a delight in engaging with someone who has accumulated a degree of wisdom. not all of us do. some fall by the wayside. i`m 66., very fit, still kayak and bike and at peace with myself. i also think that i`ll be around for a long time and am a little curious about what my attitude will be as i go into my 70`s,80`s and 90`s. a sense of humor and keeping a perspective is important as well. my sex drive isn`t what it used to be, but there is a freedom in that too. i`m not into porn, but still check out women all the time. i think they are beautiful creatures even though i don`t understand them well. that is part of the mystique.
I am 60 years old and still very interested in sex. The problem is finding a man to have it with. I am single and in good health and physical condition. I practice Pilates regularly and dance and walk all the time. I do find that the kind of men who attract me are either married or already in a relationship, and that is dismaying. Also, many men are seeking young women. Now I realize that being young means being the ornament, so to speak. I was a beautiful young woman, and also had brains. But I still consider myself to be an attractive woman (and still have the brains) and feel that many men are missing out on a great deal by not being interested in me. Is it just American culture that has created this situation? I have a lot to offer
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