SelfhelpMagazine

by Patricia Pitta, Ph.D., A.B.P.P.

It has been said, " In order for one to get respect one has to have self- respect." You might find it helpful to develop self-respect by becoming assertive. This means not giving in because your spouse will get angry. Rather, state your feelings in a calm and direct manner.

The way we can do this is by stating thoughts and feelings by describing how we react to things, rather than blaming or accusing someone else. An example of being assertive is to say to your spouse, " I don't like when you yell at me because it makes me feel sad. Also, I don't like to feel sad."

Instead of fighting, you can try to being assertive by stating what you believe in the form of "I" statements. I statements are sentences describing things in terms of what you sense:

*I remember it this way....* rather than *What happened is....*

*I'd prefer us to sit down and talk about this calmly....* rather than *All you do is yell....*

*I really hate it when we fight....* rather than *I hate you....*

*I think we ought to stop for now until we both calm down....* rather than *Talk to me when you are sane....*

and last but not least *I really like it when you....* rather than *You never.....*

It is essential for couples to learn to listen, respond and compromise to resolve problems. If the couple can not resolve their issues, the one who gives in loses their sense of personal power and feels powerless.

If you try to communicate in this way and your relationship with your dominant wife does not improve, it would be good to seek professional help from a couples counselor or psychotherapist.

About the Author:

Dr. Patricia Pitta is a clinical psychologist practicing in Manhasset, New York, for more than 20 years. She is a Diplomat in Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association and an Approved Supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Dr. Pitta is also the President of the Long Island Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

She has created a treatment modality that enables the partners to accept responsibility for their parts in relationship problems leading to resolution of issues without getting stuck in blame. She encourages self growth which enhances couple growth and family development.