Self-help Articles

by Randy Flood, MA, Charlie Donaldson, MA, & Anthony Gretz

The American Medical Association estimates that over 4 million women are victims of severe assault every year, making domestic violence the single largest cause of injury among women ages 15 to 44. The women's shelters, advocacy programs, and counseling centers address the needs of abused women.

Less attention has been directed to the root of the problem: reducing domestic violence by gearing domestic violence help towards abusive men. They need to prevent their own violence.

Organizations such as the YWCA offer excellent programs to empower women and help them take care of themselves, but women alone will not end domestic violence. Men who commit acts of domestic abuse must be challenged to be accountable for their actions and to become fair and loving partners.

People often think that abusive behavior only involves physical violence. In fact, it also includes emotional abuse, such as intimidation and chronic criticism, which can be emotionally harmful. Violence is, unfortunately, often the last in a series of abusive behaviors perpetrated by abusive men.

The psychotherapy work involves helping men to understand that abusive behavior stems from distorted thinking that is rooted in "male privilege" - the false sense of "entitlement" that many men may feel in a relationship to another person.

We speak of abusive men in this article because in 85% of all reported abuse cases, the victim is female. That's not to negate the fact that some women are abusive, too. Some clearly are. We are going to address the vast majority of cases in this article, however.

Domestic Violence Help For Men

These distorted beliefs often allow a man to blame the woman and free him from accountability for his abusive behavior. He may truly believe that he has a right to his own way simply because he is a man. He may say, "she made me do it" or "she was asking for it."

Men must learn to recognize that they don't always get their own way and that a woman never is responsible for being abused. In other words, they are accountable for their own actions. Just as important as a man's beliefs, are his expression of emotions.

Boys learn to deny and ignore painful feelings from an early age in our culture, and they carry that pattern into adulthood. This aggravates abusive patterns of behavior. They learn to transform feelings of hurt, fear, and shame into anger.

In the short run, anger numbs the painful feelings and provides a sense of renewed strength and power. But in the long run, buried, unacknowledged feelings increase the severity and frequency of abuse.

If an abusive man does not address the feelings hidden under the anger, the changes he makes through correcting and modifying his behavior will be superficial and probably short-term. Consequently, men need to identify and manage those core feelings of hurt, fear, and shame as well as the more obvious feelings of anger that are present during acts of abuse and control.

If you are an abusive man, or find yourself exhibiting some of these behaviors, there is hope. There are a growing number of tools available for rehabilitative treatment. Men can learn self-management, such as responsible time-outs.

Men can learn empathy for their partner that will also stop them from hurting the women in their lives. Reading books and discussing them with other people are other steps in the right direction.

Men are more than capable of reducing domestic violence but it is important that they avail themselves of the domestic violence help in their community.

References:

Sara Glazer, "Violence Against Women," CQ Researcher, Congressional Quarterly Inc., Vol. 3, No. 8, Feb. 1993, p.171. Uniform Crime Reports as cited by M.C. Moewe, "The Hidden Violence: For Richeer and For Poorer," Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Apr. 5, 1992

About the Author:

Randy Flood, MA, LLP, Charlie Donaldson, MA, LLP, LPC, CAC-II, and Anthony Gretz of the Men's Resource Center in Grand Rapids, MI. They have also written a self-help manual for men, called Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior, available by clicking here.