SelfhelpMagazine

by Rick Ortiz

Divorced Fathers Defy Stereotypes To Reclaim Their Role In Their Children's Lives

As a father in an intact (still happily-married) family it is easy to sometimes take for granted the easy availability of love, a hug, the simple act of wishing an already-sleeping child "goodnight" with an accompanying kiss on the forehead. It is as easy to accept as a give that your child will be there whenever you reach out to touch them.

Because of the intensity of being engrossed within the act of parenting we neglect the extra-curricular study of the art form. And so it's understandable how the average parent (some exceptions aside) might not go the extra distance in order to learn how to improve time with our children.

But divorced fathers are bonding together to actively learn to become more effective parents. Usually afforded less parenting time than their female counterparts, they are defying stereotype and increasing their involvement with their children, networking with each other, studying the newest parenting techniques, and becoming the kind of model parents that they must be in order to be granted something approaching equality as parents in the eyes of the law and society.

Evidenced by these online resources, Divorced dads are in fact some of the most proactive, and "fit" parents out there... Unlike us, they have no choice.

What are the lessons we can learn from Divorced Dads?

Maximize Together Time With Your Children and Get Current With Parenting Trends

Often given only a tiny fraction of the time they once spent with their children, divorced fathers must work extra hard to establish their role as an equally important parent rather than a part-time "Disneyland Dad." On the other (rare) end of the custody spectrum, they step into the role of sole caretaker, and they must educate themselves with books such as Armin Brott's Mr. Dad series. They wince when someone compliments them by calling them "Mr. Mom." They long to parent fully, and resent the word "visitation."

They've not only learned unfortunate terms like "Child-Centered Divorce" they've learned the hard truth that the child is at the center whether you like it or not, and they come to discover the many painful challenges a divorce has creates in an attempt to eliminate the pain of a badly-fitting partnership.

Develop A Strong Team Approach To Communication And Parenting With Your Spouse (or Ex-Spouse)

These men are working hard to learn how to better communicate and negotiate with the women with whom they will forever be joined in the roles as parents. Where other areas of the net offer advice on how to get a woman into bed, these men are asking advice on how to get a conversation beyond hostility to “yes,” with more at stake now than ever.

Document Everything

Because the role of the Divorcing Dad is one that is susceptible to scrutiny ranging from legal to societal, our divorcing dads learn to adopt the tools and habits that help them keep track of every scheduled moment of their child's life, every birthday, every holiday, every day off school, appointment or sports function.
Unfortunately the divorcing dad is forced to create an indisputable knowledge of and record of participation of every interaction with his child. Where they must collect information at risk of being called "inactive and invalid" in their children's lives, we, their married counterparts, are simply creating a scrapbook.

Get To Know The Adults And Professionals In Your Children's Lives

Can you name your children's teachers, doctors, babysitters, principals? Would they recognize you? Divorced dads know that not only are these individuals key to their children's success and safety, they are part of the network or "village," that it takes to raise a child. Our dads have learned to come to rely on these people and the information that is shared with them because it is essential to be able to unflinchingly assert that the relationships are there and are solid. When you're relationship with your children is reflexively questioned, there is no such thing as too much information.

Network With Other Fathers

It is often asserted that women are more social creatures than are men, and that men tend to be loners. Maybe it's true, and if it is, something should be said about the willingness and effectiveness with which these men have initiated and joined in on this valuable means of self-improvement. Forums, message boards, chat rooms and social networking have become meeting places of choice for these men fighting for every moment of their children's lives they can touch.

The forum at DadsDivorce.com alone is home to over 4500 active members who recognize that their roles as fathers suddenly became endangered as the result of their divorce. Moderated by volunteers, these forums are reserved strictly for business, and bashing, ranting and other unproductive behaviors are not tolerated.

Embrace Technology

Having overcome adversity to the web, divorced dads have become the target market for technology in the form of webcams and specially adapted networking sites such as etendi BRIDGE and wizard101.com allow them to connect visually to their children over long distances, even on the nights when they do not enjoy physical custody. It is now possible for a father to help his child with her homework in real time as both parent and child interact "face to face" in the same (cyber) space.

Become An Activist: Champion Your Children All The Way

These divorced dads register screen names such as ALL4MYKIDS proclaiming the focus of their efforts and describing the central struggle of their lives, handles that might not occur to the married father.

Some are willing to pay the price of imprisonment to re-establish their right to parent. Groups like Fathers4Justice often face arrest for their role in high-profile events employing civil disobedience as members don superhero outfits and perform sit-ins atop Buckingham Palace, Parliament, and Stonehenge in their efforts to draw attention to the injustices that separate children from their fathers in the British court system.

They learn to work with the laws that dictate how much they are allowed to see their child now that their marriage has formally ended. The divorced dad scrutinizes every comma of his court orders in hopes of discovering an extra day where a holiday follows an appointed weekend. He educates himself so that he can suggest strategies that sometimes even their attorneys haven't considered. Divorced dads consider every option because it might win them a few more precious moments with their child, the right to participate in matters of faith, education, and activities: Life. They defend their right to love and be loved.

Take Care Of Yourself

Divorced dads are aware that the connection to their children and to life itself is fragile, and that it must be maintained. Organizations focusing on men's health know that the most difficult group to reach is men without spouses. Websites such as menshealthnetwork.org know that to reach men, you must go where they are gathered and speak their language.

Get Your Finances In Order
Finances are listed as the main cause of divorce. There's nothing like suddenly doubling your maintenance responsibilities, legal fees, travel expenses, while at the same time cutting your available assets, credit line and resources in half, to make you pay attention to finances.

Divorced dads are learning to keep careful record of their dwindling finances. Doing so as a married man can only strengthen the marriage home. Bringing our finances into order before rather than after a divorce is a key to avoiding this devastating pitfall.

Parent Like A Divorced Dad

To the married father, a visit to a site like DadsDivorce.com offers a cautionary tale: Dangers exist below the most peaceful waters. The collected experience of these divorced fathers also offer lessons that if taken sooner rather than later might help a man avoid the heartbreaking uphill struggle just to remain a part of his children's lives.

About the Author:

Rick Ortiz is the editor of www.dadsdivorce.com