SelfhelpMagazine

by Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D.

Difficult people are a challenge for most of us. The worst part is that we really don't know why someone might be difficult. For instance, many people suffer from unrealized or unspoken ailments.

Without knowing this person at your workplace, I would think any one or combination of these factors might be in operation:

• Without realizing it, they might react differently to you because you remind them of someone who mistreated or frightened them as a child.
• They could be insecure and play power games to shore up their sagging egos.
• They could be suffering from a physical disorder that makes them less able to function. That is, they might be unable to control themselves or their impulses.
•  They might be abusing food or substances in an effort to control themselves, and struggling with an addiction and associated cravings.
• Or they might have been raised improperly, with poor parenting that ranged in style from overindulgence to neglect.
• They might not even know why they act the way they do, and feel too fragile to look at themselves.

Regardless of the origin of their problem(s), your job is the same, that is, to find a way to cope. Seeing them like someone who is hurt or wounded might make it easier for you.

After all, if you saw someone with an arm and a leg in a cast, would you expect them to be as considerate of you? Would you expect them to make your life easier? We often expect people with emotional challenges to behave normally. They often simply can't. Our job is to avoid personalizing it and get out of their way.

Here are 7 specific suggestions to help you cope:

1. Detach. Recognize that you have no control over this person so don't expend energy trying to get them to understand you, realize their impact on you, learn a lesson, or change in any way.
2. Keep communication as simple and as clear as possible, focused specifically on the task at hand. Make sure your statements are well-worded and your tone is casual.
3. Deal with this person only when necessary. Restrict your social interactions. Not everyone needs to like you or be your friend.You are OK anyway!
4. When interacting, be pleasant and easygoing. A tense, terse or negative tone will only get you more of the same. Try the "killing with kindness" approach. It will benefit you more in the long run than letting your blood pressure and frustration levels rise.
5. Back off in an argument. Having an ongoing feud ultimately make you dread going to work. Be professional and give in when it doesn't really matter. Pick your battles wisely.
6. Know your boundaries. Don't feel that you have to put up with verbal abuse and/or harassment. Document such behavior (time, date, specific action taken or statement made, and witnesses) and communicate it to the appropriate supervisor when you can.
7. If you are spiritual or religious in any way, prayer for this person can never hurt.

About the Author:

Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.