Self-help Articles

by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

Raising a teen is rarely easy. It’s even harder when mom is depressed. Research shows mothers who suffer from depression will most likely increase their teen’s changes of being depressed by being more socially isolated. It makes sens that a socially isolated Mom is more likely to have a socially isolated teen. In teenagers, depression symptoms often first appear as social isolation.

Does a Depressed Mom Increase Depression Symptoms in a Child?
Researchers Patricia A. Brennan, Ph.D. and Constance Hammen, Ph.D. concluded, "The main difference we found is that the teens with depressed mothers had more interpersonal difficulties, probably because of the influence of their mother's depression and the mother’s own problems with social functioning."

“Teenagers who have been raised by a mother who suffered from depression since giving birth were more likely to have fewer friends and be less involved in social activities,” said Dr. Brennan.

While we’d like to think we’re independent agents navigating through this world, we’re not. Our actions and inactions influence other people, especially our children and teens. Depressed moms might need outside help to make sure their teens get the kind of social stimulation needed to develop good social skills.

Social Skill Sets

Meanwhile, children’s needs do not stop. Children and teens need to be consistently exposed to the types of situations that force them to learn and grow socially. Learning how to give or accept compliments, invitations, favors, attention – these are complicated exchanges. Sharing, taking responsibility, defending undue attacks, maintaining physical boundaries and many other skills don’t come naturally. They need to be taught.

These skills also need to be present in the parent. Parent’s can’t teach what they can’t access within themselves, or simply never learned themselves. We cannot give what we do not have. We cannot teach what we do not know. Establishing and maintaining the types of friendships that are healthy and balanced requires not only a fair amount of knowledge, but also much consistent energy.

If mom is depressed, she isn’t likely to have the capacity to consistently guide her children through the complicated social skill training every child needs. “To stop the possibility of transmission of depression to their children, interventions need to include social skills building,” said Dr. Hammen. These should be targeted to children of depressed mothers to help reduce the risk of developing depression in these teens.

If You Know A Depressed Mom

If you know a mom who is depressed, her children may need extra help. However you can get involved, from getting her teens to and from appropriate social activities, to befriending the teen, your help is probably needed. Offer it and see what happens. You may not get a positive response right away. That’s ok. Wait. Then offer it another time, perhaps when the timing might be better.

If You Are Depressed

If you are a depressed parent, do what you can to help your child or teen get involved in groups or clubs where they will naturally learn to interact with other kids. If you can make a choice between activities for your children, choose those that force interaction. For example, swim lessons might be good for your child’s physical development, but swimming is a solo activity. Joining the swim team, however, will force your child to learn many skills that are needed to be fair, negotiate with others and accept responsibility.

Similarly, joining the school band, the softball team, the dance club, these are activities that will expose your child to another responsible adult and encourage different types of interactions with peers.

A child does not need to belong to several clubs at any one time, but making sure your child or teen is involved with at least one supervised and organized after-school club or group at a time will help develop the type of learning that all children need to be able to have good relationships as an adult.

If you need help getting your child or teen to and from these activities, or helping then navigate the sometimes complicated waters of dealing with their peers, look for a knowledgeable adult to help you.

Another resource might be your child's school. Ask the school about a guidance counselor, find a group therapy setting, or a church group where your teen can talk to other kids in the presence of a trained adult to help them learn how to handle social interactions. Churches and other community building groups are particularly well organized to help with children.

For example, where I live nature groups often meet to help clean up the environment. Volunteering for environment clean-up days, feeding the homeless, or helping veterans are easy ways to meet new people because of the common goal. Not only will your teen benefit from meeting and talking with others, but they will feel useful as they learn how to be good neighbors and citizens.

You do not need to raise your children alone. Ask for help in different ways from different people until you find what you need. You may not find it this week or this month, but if you keep asking, chances are that it will come. The fact that you are reading this article is a wonderful first step!

Reference:

"Depressed Adolescents of Depressed and Nondepressed Mothers: Tests of an Interpersonal Impairment Hypothesis," Constance Hammen, Ph.D. & Patricia A. Brennan, Ph.D.; Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 69, No. 2.