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35 Going on 13? Welcome to Lesbian and Gay Adolescence
by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.
Jerome is 35-years-old. He has a successful career, and for many years he's thought of himself as an adult. Last year, he began to notice that he feels sexually attracted to men. That made sense to him; he had dated women off and on, but none of them was very important to him.
What he doesn't understand are his mood swings. One minute he feels on top of the world, ecstatic, couldn't be happier. The next minute he's miserable, depressed, lonely, doesn't know what to do with himself. Jerome's sexual feelings are also bewildering. Sex has never been very important to him; now he can't stop thinking about it.
Charlene is also confused. She's known for over ten years that she's a lesbian, and she's still with her first woman lover. They have a small circle of friends, all women who are in long-term relationships, but they haven't had very much contact with the lesbian and until recently. Charlene began doing volunteer work at the local gay and community center, where she's met a variety of other lesbians and , both partnered and single. She finds some of the women very sexually attractive, something that has never happened to her before. She's also having mood swings. She's afraid to tell her lover how she's feeling, but there is already tension between them because Charlene's partner can tell something is wrong.
Both Jerome and Charlene are experiencing delayed adolescence. Teenagers typically have mood swings and intense sexual feelings, to no one's surprise. When adults start feeling and acting like teenagers, everyone is caught off guard. The adult-going-on-adolescence phenomenon is common in the gay and community. Here's why.
Many lesbians and gays do not recognize their feelings for members of the same gender when they are teenagers. Instead, they start coming out at 25 or 35 or 45 or 55, or older. When they were teenagers, the men dated women and the women dated men, if they dated at all. Often they did not experience intense and/or mood swings when they were in their teens. Some of them married and had children. Then one day, much to their surprise, they begin to find members of the same gender attractive. Eventually, they realize they want their primary relationships to be gay or lesbian.
Delayed adolescence is a mixed blessing. These feelings can be hard to manage when you're an adult. You have a responsible job and an established circle of friends; you're expected to deal maturely with your emotions and relationships. But there's part of you that wants to have a mad, passionate fling, or mope about for days on end. And no one around you understands what's going on. That's the bad news. The good news, for many and women, is that the world suddenly makes sense. Or at the very least, sex makes sense. Love finally makes sense. Delayed adolescence can be a joyous time, a time when you finally come to know who you really are.
Here are some suggestions for managing delayed adolescence while enjoying it:
- Remember that you won't feel like this forever and it won't kill you; adolescence is not a terminal condition.
- Try to find ways to deal with your feelings that won't jeopardize the adult life you've created. For instance, even though you feel wonderful about being gay or , be cautious about coming out at work, to friends, or to relatives until you've taken a realistic look at all the possible responses, positive and negative.
- Find ways to express your intense sexual feelings that will not cost more than you're willing to pay. If you're in a relationship, understand clearly the damage an affair could cause.
- Whenever you get sexually involved with a new partner, practice safer sex.
- Remember compatibility is not a sufficient basis for a relationship. If you don't have shared values, common interests and the ability to communicate, go ahead and have a good time in bed, but don't start planning the wedding.
- If you have a fling with someone who has never had a same-gender lover before, understand that he or she might not be on the way out of the closet.
- Have fun!
Jerome has been learning about delayed adolescence and finds that it helps to have an explanation for how he feels. He's finding ways to manage his moods and feelings. He keeps a journal and also gives himself permission to ual fantasies. Charlene has started talking with her partner about her confused new feelings, which has helped. But they still are having a hard time and are looking for a couples counselor to help them through it.
As long as we live in a homophobic world, delayed adolescence will be a reality for many of us. It's not always fun, but it is manageable, and it is an important part of our growth and development. And parts of it are delightful!
Note: The people described here are fictitious and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is coincidental.
About the Author:
Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. is an author and psychologist. She has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.
Revised 4/22/2009 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
This can also happen when you come out early, but don't have an opportunity to explore sexually, or construct limitations for yourself around the issue of healthy sexual expression. I came out as "bi" at school when I was 12, and was pretty much "gay" by age 14. This was in 2002 - I was part of the vanguard of people coming out young due to discovering ourselves on the Internet. And, moreover, I had fallen in love with my straight best friend - which gave me all sorts of issues about my sexual expression. Through early high school, I was depressed and dealing with family issues (mother's alcoholism, parents' divorce.) Around the time I was 16 or 17, I started realizing more about myself and "coming out" strongly as my own person; but I got involved in a series of highly destructive unrequited love relationships, first, my senior year, with a guy two years younger than me; and then, my first year of college, with a friend a year older than me, who took advantage of me heavily.
I got myself off this track the 1st year of college - and started pursuing "gay affirmative therapy" after realizing I saw myself as completely unable to have a romantic relationship. The therapy opened a lot of doors; I started being able to ask people out, for example, and be rejected, and not be horribly upset about it. At the same time, I started dressing more "gay" (bright, neon colors, jewelry, giant sunglasses, etc.), lost a ton of weight, and started thinking more in "me" vs. "them" terms about the straight and gay world - a lot of pent up anger about the ridicule and prejudice I experienced in high school, and the inequality experienced by gay men in general, opened up for me. My classes and papers started focusing more on LGBT themes - and, all of a sudden, I felt like I was going through puberty again. I wanted to have sex with everything that moved, and hated this as much as it was exciting.
This summer, I came home, and started meeting guys for sexual encounters on Craigslist at the same time as I started trying online dating at OkCupid...and ended up doing reckless things like having sex in a hotel conference floor bathroom. I met one friend through OkCupid who used Adam4Adam to meet guys to screw. But, still, I felt bad after some of those experiences...and dirty...and, moreover, when I was rejected after a "good" first date, I was distraught.
I went to Austria this fall and started meeting guys on Adam4Adam, Craigslist, and Planet Romeo for "sex dates"...this was very much so exciting at first...but, gradually, the whole experience turned me off. I'm still in the phase of getting very mad at people using the word "gay" for "stupid", but the most sexually destructive (but necessary) phase of what I'm starting to see as my "gay adolescence" ended in late September. You need to sow your wild oats, and sometimes even create a false adolescence, but the issue is that you're more mature and have obligations in other ways...and that it's hard to restructure your life, even when you're 20, along those lines.
Hi,im 22 years old, when i was 13 at school i used to cry a lot don t want to stay at school feel sick all the time,want to stay alone i was good at football and school but this confusion stopped me from focusing on school and football getting very shy in fact i stopped playing football didnt have the passion in it anymore as in school. Because of this confusion my mind was obsessed watching man utd never miss a game and mclaren Not missing a damn thing. still i don t know what to do in my life feel very insecure deep inside. I m having gender confusion i had it since i was 13, I feel living in a world on my own, always spaced out, gay thoughts always on my mind. With bunch of guys i don t feel comftable i feel insecure,my head is spinning around like drunk but without the fun, What i don t doesn't understand are my mood swings. One minute i feel on top of the world, ecstatic, couldn't be happier. The next minute i m. miserable, depressed, lonely, doesn't know what to do with my himself. When gay thoughts pass from my mind mentally i get very weak and physically and so confused what to do, want to kill myself all the time cause i can t leave like these nothing makes me happy and at night can sleep. Couple of times i went too doctors, physocterapy phschology, so many pills. I know im intelligent but this confusion transformed me into a stupid person and so insecure, Phsically i m a MAN but mentally no so that s my big problem. The most important for me are my looks, the way i dress up my face obsessed with my hair, I drove my family crazy these last 10 years. i will say im a gay but i have only sex with girls, it never passed from my mind to have sex with males, Thanks for reading!!
i guess i didn't realize that adolescence would begin again when i began to recognize my deep desires for other men. i suppose that explains how flighty i was feeling and how flirty i became in my online life early on.
and when i finally got into the habit of seeking out other gay, bi or curious men, i noticed i became much more flamboyant in that sense. i realized i was somewhat submissive in another man's arms, and felt such an overwhelming need and desire to please him beyond anything else. i made it a point to wear lip gloss to make myself more attractive. i wasn't becoming a girly type of man, but i wanted to entice my man, and i can now see the dawning of an adolescent age in that gay spirit.
thanks for the enlightenment!
Thank you for the article. It is helpful mostly because I am dealing with this issue right now in my life. I am single, age 25, I have not had a girlfriend yet; I have stated my attraction to myself, and family and friends last year in 2008. And I have had only one boyfriend in my whole life excluding puppy love, around three years ago I was with my ex for almost a year. Besides that, this "adolescence" is taking over. But I after reading this article, it will gradually go away. I want to mention most of the advice listed on how to deal, I do. So I will keep at it. Thanks again.
I think this is happening to me. I'm 23 and came out to myself two years ago. I didn't date or have much fun during high school and put that on the back burner through college too. I thought this was because I'm the child of an alcoholic, but now I think I skipped over my adolescence because I was to stressed to be a kid AND I was deep in denial about being bi. Now I feel such strong attractions to men and women that I sound like a gushing teenager when I talk about it. It is really ridiculous! I finally understand why all my friends were so boy-crazy. This is kind of embarrassing, I mean, a lot of my friends are getting married, and I'm just becoming interested in dating! People always tell me I LOOK like I'm still in high school (a twelve year old boy, according to a prof). Now I get to live out the puberty I never had. Maybe I should count this as a blessing???