SelfhelpMagazine

by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

Good for you for asking such a mature question! Many adults go through life and never stop the emotional roller-coaster of getting married and divorced long enough to find the very answer you are seeking today.

However much I might commend you on asking the right question, I must also tell you that it might take a while for you to fully know how to mproceed.

Starting with a list of things you like about yourself is certainly a good idea. Research has shown that opposites might attract, but commonality makes love last longer. So looking for things you share in common is more likely to be a fruitful goal.

At 18 years of age, even with two serious boyfriends to have given you life experience, it might be a bit premature to be thinking about Mr. Right.

At this point in your life, I'd suggest you consider trying find those attributes you like in yourself in other people, and start seeing how many forms those attributes might take. The attribute of generosity might take on a whole new application if your new man-friend want to donate his time to cleaning up the enviroment on Saturday mornings, while yours might be buyimg your reading collection from the local public library's yearly fund-raising sale.

But in general, yes, at 18, you are in a developmental stage where your time is best spent learning what you appreciate and have in common with different people that you date. What interests do you have and what interests do you want a new man to have? What qualities as a person would you find important?

Sex has a way of making us feel prematurely intimate with our partners. Perhaps you might want to hold off on having sex at least until you've know a man for a few weeks, preferably months, so you objectively get to know the man rather than the lover in a man.

You have to learn what you need before you can make a fully informed choice about what you want to keep. Most women need to date lots of men before they know what works for them and what doesn't work. Unfortunately, they often don't give themselves those opportunities because they latch onto the first man who pays then attention, and they hang on for dear life. Then they get pregnant, and you know the drill... They initially are too afraid to let go and then, life takes their ability to make easy choices away from them.

Women who are stronger, do let go and inevitably, learn to make wiser choices. They sample more freely and when something in a man doesn't work for them, they call of the relationship, hibernate for a while to figure out what happened, and get themselves back out there again.

Another and even trickier part of dating is that some people's attributes can be changed and some cannot. For example, most guys can be taught to be more polite, stop cursing and be more respectful, but only if they want to change those characteristics.

But there are some things that guys might claim they will change, but they most often cannot. These attributes or more like the amount of cuddling they like. The fact is that if a guy (or woman) doesn't like physical contact, no amount of cooing or cutesy affection is going to change that cuddle ratio. Either he (or you) has the "cuddle gene" or doesn't. The same goes for the "funny gene". Either he is a funny, make-you-smile-kinda-guy, or he isn't. You can't change that.

Also, if a guy does not like to discuss his feelings, he isn't likely to suddenly crave long, soulful conversations about what he meant when he looked at you last night. If you want that in a man, find another man.

In dating, much like in many other things, what you see is what you get. If he is clean about his personal hygiene, or his apartment, he is likely to continue those personal habits. If not, don't think your gentle reminders, later known as "nagging" is going to get him to change his ways.

You've got to know what you're looking at if you are ever to find what you need.

How do you tell what you have in a man? It's easy. You sit down with pen and paper after every date and write down answers to these two simple questions:
1. What happened on that last date that made you feel good about yourself?
2. What happened that made you feel bad about yourself?

After you have dated a few different men, you can elevate this analysis to a higher level with these additional questions:

3. Which type of man leaves you feeling good about yourself?

4. How does he treat you? Do you like that kind of treatment?

5. Does he "get" you? Does he appreciate you for who you are, or does he only appreciate you for what you do for him?

6. What makes you purr? What makes you hiss? Does he know?

7. When you stand back and look at this man, do you have similar interests, values, hobbies, tempos (e.g., if you are active and like to dance and he is a couch potato and doesn't know his left foot from his right, you might be in trouble).

8. Is a sense of humor important to you? Can he joke you out of a bad mood? Can you joke him out of a grumpy morning?

9. What about his ambition, will it keep him locked in an office, away from you in the evening?

10. Who will he be surrounding himself with if his career is fulfilled? Attorneys? Bar room waitresses? Copywriters? Construction workers? Bankers?

Whoever they are, do you like those kinds of people? How do they treat you? (After all, these are the people you are likely to be entertaining at your house for the next 40 years. Take a good look at them.)

11. If he values his health, does he eat, drink and exercise his body routinely or does he just give lip service to those disciplines?

12. How does he deal with finances? Does he have the same values you have with respect to money? Does he want to buy and you want to save?

13. Do you have similar goals and desires with respect to a family? Does he want a family? Do you? If yes, how many children? How does he want them brought up? What are your preferences, given your family experiences and emotional ties?

14. What aspects of this man do you like and what don't you like? How do you plan to overcome or tolerate the parts you don't like? If you don't see any, get the wedding bells out of your eyes and look again. If the truth needs to be told, ask your friends, your father, your mother, your siblings - ask them each alone, seriously.

15. What are your specific, emotional and personal needs, and are they getting met when the chips are down? Does he know what you need and can he give it to you, or at least admit that he can't but is there with you anyway?

All of these questions (and more) are important in deciding on an appropriate mate. As you can see, developing a set of criteria takes time and experience.

At age 18, you may not be looking at men who have enough life experience to find the answers you need to choose a life partner. People change too drastically between 18 - 25 to make any serious life choices beyond this next month or season. Slow it down. Take your time.

In fact, if you date for another 4-5 years, you might be well positioned for making the kind of choice that will lead to Mr. Right.

Until then, have a good time, experience as much of life as you can, practice safe sex, and write down the lessons you learn so that you won't forget them in the heat of someone's passionate kiss. The more "objective" research and thinking you do, the better your decision will be.

About the Author:

LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW is the author of Growing up Sane (in uncertain times), Seminar Leader Growing Well Adjusted Kids, Editor-in-Chief Person to Person: Strengthening Youth & Families and Telephone Counselor Affinity Counseling Center.