SelfhelpMagazine

by Ellen Sherman

Every Fall, several hundred traditional husbands, fathers and businessmen come together in Provincetown for Fantasia Fair with parties, seminars and workshops exploring the thorny issue of how to buy the right wig and hide a 5 o'clock shadow with the foundation and blush-on. Heterosexual married men from suburbia with families who cross dress? What's going on?

Apparently a much more common practice than most people would imagine. It's estimated that at least 1% of the male population cross dresses.

And even as we approach the 21st Century, the idea of a heterosexual man in heels is still more than a little threatening. And confusing even for the cross dressers themselves.

As JoAnn Roberts, founder of Renaissance, a Delaware Valley cross dressing support group of over 400 said, "I knew growing up that I wasn't gay and I was heterosexual. I thought I might be crazy, but I knew I wasn't gay."

Cross dressing is a subject that's been universally misunderstood. While producing the first documentary on heterosexual cross dressing called All Dressed Up And No Place To Go, I found a host of misconceptions rampant in most people's thinking.

The following are the Top Eleven Misconceptions about those who Cross Dress:

1) Cross dressers Are Gay

More than likely not. As Dr. William Stayton, Head of the University of Pennsylvania's Department of Human Sexuality and himself a therapist for cross dressers, reported "People associate cross dressing with effeminacy and being gay and the fact is most of them are not gay. They are very definitely heterosexual."

In fact one of the most difficult areas for cross dressers was how to deal with the women with whom they wanted to be involved.

2) Cross dressers Don't Like Women

The truth is that rather than shying away from women, most cross dressers are as married or looking for a relationship as any cross section of men in America.

"There is even some advantage to being a heterosexual cross dresser," says Dr. Stayton. "When dressed they often become more sensitive and understanding to the women in their lives. Their wives tend to find them delightful and often it can become a real enhancement to marital relations."

However that "enhancement" can only come if the woman feels comfortable with her husband's occasional dressing. Many don't.

As Florida lawyer Jeff/Jean reports, "What would happen was that as soon as women found out about "Jean" the relationship would end, so why did I have to keep banging myself in the head. I was married to a woman that didn't approve and it was painful. Now I tell the women and let them even see "Jean." If we're going to be involved then they'll have to accept all of me just like I have to accept all of them."

3) Women Who Love Cross dressers Must Be Lesbians

What's it like to love a man who's wearing a dress? Pam, the wife of a Bank V.P cross dresser recounts, "I did feel funny at first. I love my husband as a man but when I saw him in a dress as 'Barbara' I thought how can I love him? The answer was I didn't have to love him the same way. With 'Barbara' we're friends like I would be with any girlfriend. When he's dressed as a man, I feel free to love him as a man."

4) Cross Dress for Sexual Gratification

Most cross dressers reveal that relieving stress and relaxation were the feelings they most associated with their cross dressing. However many revealed that while teenagers there was a high degree of sexual excitement related to cross dressing mostly relieved through masturbation.

As hormones calmed down and they reached adulthood the sexual element declined and the feelings the cross dressing elicited were very different.

"What you'll find," Dr. Stayton reported, "is that very early on they associate these clothes with relaxation and stress relief. They often use it to feel calmer. There is an erotic element to the cross dressing. Many will cross dress or fantasize about being CD to enhance sexual enjoyment, but its not necessary."

5) Cross dressers Always Wear Women's Clothes

In fact, most may only dress once a month or once every six months. Many men don't ever even reach the point of fully dressing but feel the same relaxed feeling by just wearing women's undies under their suits.

"You can't imagine how many politicians can't give a speech in Congress without wearing women's panties," Dr. Stayton commented, adding he has first hand knowledge since many are his patients.

6) Cross dressers Have Weird Sexual Habits

No more than most. However cross dressers did report their sex lives were enhanced by cross dressing to some degree.

"Dale" recounted that "Although many CDs will deny it, there is a degree of extra arousal that comes with being cross dressed when making love but many women are not comfortable with that and we men have to be sensitive to that and accept it."

7) Cross dressers Look Like RuPaul

In fact many cross dressers are most comfortable dressing their " femme " selves as they would dress their male selves. Therefore most conventions of cross dressers find a roomful of men in dressed-for-success women's suits, low heels, tasteful makeup and coiffed hair...much more Margaret Thatcher than RuPaul.

8) Cross dressing Develops in Adulthood

"We really find that cross dressing starts very young," reports Dr. Stayton. "Many remember that as preschoolers they got a certain feeling with Mom's clothing. It's very rarely something that develops in adulthood.

9) Cross dressers Are Made, Not Born

The current conventional wisdom seems to be that cross dressing is a result of both Nature and Nurture. "I certainly think there's a genetic influence just as for all of us there are things that happen that program us as to how we'll be sexual, whether we'll like redheads or thin women. We all have preferences, but the truth is there's no common thread and we really don't know why it happens," reports Dr. Stayton.

10) Cross dressers Are Schizophrenic

In reality cross dressers exhibit slight personality alterations in their "femme" role, but in general, their personalities only change to the extent that many people's do when assuming different roles in life, i.e. CEO, husband, father.

One wife reports her husband likes to dance as his "femme" self where he wouldn't feel that free as a man. Other wives recount how their husbands will shop with them when otherwise they'd never have the patience.

11) Cross dressing Can Be Cured

"Truth is you can't change it," Dr. Stayton concludes. Most professionals now try to counsel the cross dresser to deal with his cross dressing rather than eradicate it. "When someone comes to me and feels it's sick behavior, then to me helping them to be healthy is to help them accept it and to be able to appropriately accept their own desire to cross dress."

About the Author:

All Dressed Up And No Place To Go, the first feature documentary on heterosexual crossdressing.