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The Truths of Those Who Cross Dress
by Ellen Sherman
Every Fall, several hundred traditional husbands, fathers and businessmen come together in Provincetown for Fantasia Fair with parties, seminars and workshops exploring the thorny issue of how to buy the right wig and hide a 5 o'clock shadow with the foundation and blush-on. Heterosexual married men from suburbia with families who cross dress? What's going on?
Apparently a much more common practice than most people would imagine. It's estimated that at least 1% of the male population cross dresses.
And even as we approach the 21st Century, the idea of a heterosexual man in heels is still more than a little threatening. And confusing even for the cross dressers themselves.
As JoAnn Roberts, founder of Renaissance, a Delaware Valley cross dressing support group of over 400 said, "I knew growing up that I wasn't gay and I was heterosexual. I thought I might be crazy, but I knew I wasn't gay."
Cross dressing is a subject that's been universally misunderstood. While producing the first documentary on heterosexual cross dressing called All Dressed Up And No Place To Go, I found a host of misconceptions rampant in most people's thinking.
The following are the Top Eleven Misconceptions about those who Cross Dress:
1) Cross dressers Are Gay
More than likely not. As Dr. William Stayton, Head of the University of Pennsylvania's Department of Human Sexuality and himself a therapist for cross dressers, reported "People associate cross dressing with effeminacy and being gay and the fact is most of them are not gay. They are very definitely heterosexual."
In fact one of the most difficult areas for cross dressers was how to deal with the women with whom they wanted to be involved.
2) Cross dressers Don't Like Women
The truth is that rather than shying away from women, most cross dressers are as married or looking for a relationship as any cross section of men in America.
"There is even some advantage to being a heterosexual cross dresser," says Dr. Stayton. "When dressed they often become more sensitive and understanding to the women in their lives. Their wives tend to find them delightful and often it can become a real enhancement to marital relations."
However that "enhancement" can only come if the woman feels comfortable with her husband's occasional dressing. Many don't.
As Florida lawyer Jeff/Jean reports, "What would happen was that as soon as women found out about "Jean" the relationship would end, so why did I have to keep banging myself in the head. I was married to a woman that didn't approve and it was painful. Now I tell the women and let them even see "Jean." If we're going to be involved then they'll have to accept all of me just like I have to accept all of them."
3) Women Who Love Cross dressers Must Be Lesbians
What's it like to love a man who's wearing a dress? Pam, the wife of a Bank V.P cross dresser recounts, "I did feel funny at first. I love my husband as a man but when I saw him in a dress as 'Barbara' I thought how can I love him? The answer was I didn't have to love him the same way. With 'Barbara' we're friends like I would be with any girlfriend. When he's dressed as a man, I feel free to love him as a man."
4) Cross Dress for Sexual Gratification
Most cross dressers reveal that relieving stress and relaxation were the feelings they most associated with their cross dressing. However many revealed that while teenagers there was a high degree of sexual excitement related to cross dressing mostly relieved through masturbation.
As hormones calmed down and they reached adulthood the sexual element declined and the feelings the cross dressing elicited were very different.
"What you'll find," Dr. Stayton reported, "is that very early on they associate these clothes with relaxation and stress relief. They often use it to feel calmer. There is an erotic element to the cross dressing. Many will cross dress or fantasize about being CD to enhance sexual enjoyment, but its not necessary."
5) Cross dressers Always Wear Women's Clothes
In fact, most may only dress once a month or once every six months. Many men don't ever even reach the point of fully dressing but feel the same relaxed feeling by just wearing women's undies under their suits.
"You can't imagine how many politicians can't give a speech in Congress without wearing women's panties," Dr. Stayton commented, adding he has first hand knowledge since many are his patients.
6) Cross dressers Have Weird Sexual Habits
No more than most. However cross dressers did report their sex lives were enhanced by cross dressing to some degree.
"Dale" recounted that "Although many CDs will deny it, there is a degree of extra arousal that comes with being cross dressed when making love but many women are not comfortable with that and we men have to be sensitive to that and accept it."
7) Cross dressers Look Like RuPaul
In fact many cross dressers are most comfortable dressing their " femme " selves as they would dress their male selves. Therefore most conventions of cross dressers find a roomful of men in dressed-for-success women's suits, low heels, tasteful makeup and coiffed hair...much more Margaret Thatcher than RuPaul.
8) Cross dressing Develops in Adulthood
"We really find that cross dressing starts very young," reports Dr. Stayton. "Many remember that as preschoolers they got a certain feeling with Mom's clothing. It's very rarely something that develops in adulthood.
9) Cross dressers Are Made, Not Born
The current conventional wisdom seems to be that cross dressing is a result of both Nature and Nurture. "I certainly think there's a genetic influence just as for all of us there are things that happen that program us as to how we'll be sexual, whether we'll like redheads or thin women. We all have preferences, but the truth is there's no common thread and we really don't know why it happens," reports Dr. Stayton.
10) Cross dressers Are Schizophrenic
In reality cross dressers exhibit slight personality alterations in their "femme" role, but in general, their personalities only change to the extent that many people's do when assuming different roles in life, i.e. CEO, husband, father.
One wife reports her husband likes to dance as his "femme" self where he wouldn't feel that free as a man. Other wives recount how their husbands will shop with them when otherwise they'd never have the patience.
11) Cross dressing Can Be Cured
"Truth is you can't change it," Dr. Stayton concludes. Most professionals now try to counsel the cross dresser to deal with his cross dressing rather than eradicate it. "When someone comes to me and feels it's sick behavior, then to me helping them to be healthy is to help them accept it and to be able to appropriately accept their own desire to cross dress."
About the Author:
All Dressed Up And No Place To Go, the first feature documentary on heterosexual crossdressing.
Revised 2/26/10 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
I have been crossdressing since I was 12. I have learned to accept it. I am not dating anyone at this moment, but I do like women. I do the full makeover and I believe I pass very well as a woman. I am also a part of Triess, which is a support group for crossdressers.
I just found out my boyfriend is a cross dresser! It's very hard for me to handle I get very disgusted but I can't leave him cause I love him so much.. What can I do or say to him to make him understand to do I on his own time not around me.. I hate waking up to him wearing my under wear I actually dot even sleep with him anymore cause I hate it.. I understand he has a few phycological issues and may be that could be the reason!! But I just can't get used to it!! I've been with him for 4 yrs and for the last 5 months I've been so depressed about this icant even make love to him!!
I am the odd one out in this odd group. I have been married all my adult life, and never cross dressed or thought sexually about men until I was in my 50s. My secret life is something that simply forced itself on me in gradual ways. Perhaps it was there all along, but I neither knew about nor acted on it until very late. Of course, in this situation, no one around me knows.
I'm over 60 and I've crossed-dressed since I was 8. I am hereosexual and never been gay, or wished to be. ie I'm not repressing gayness in some way. For the last 30 years my female partners have all known I cross-dress. Some like it, some don't. I'm honest with them. My present partner loves it. For me the need started with deprivation of mother love as a child and it was comfort. That element is no longer mother (I've grown up) but 'woman'. I feel 'held' when in women's clothes. That feeling no longer dominates, any more than wearing the right clothes when I go trekking means I'm thinking about the clothes. I have nil desire to look like or be a woman, absolutely none. I tried a wig once and high heel and looked ridiculous. I don't see why men should not be able to cross-dress publicaly without (more or less) ridicule, while women can. Skirts (I don't wear dresses but I do wear a slip in bed) are comfortable, airy etc etc and I actually resent in a mild way not being able to go out in one, except in my garden. However I wear lunghis and kilts out with my (female) partner. I work alone at home so I wear skirts all the time. To those younger than me, afraid of what their female partners (or mums, sisters etc)might say I strongly advise to be upfront, tell the truth and not in any way feel ashamed. Riduculous maybe, embarrassed that's fine, but NOT ashamed or lesser. You're a human being who likes doing something slightly odd, that's all. In private be honest, in public discreet. Finally, childen. I have several, not living with me. I don't tell them because I am concerned about their 'dad image' problem. If they found out it wouldn't worry me much. I probabloy will tell them one day when they're confident in their own identity. Cross dressing gives me and has given me enormous pleasure in the same way coal fires, ice cream, good films, and swimming in the sea has. The wirdest thing that ever happened? I tried heels on, took a photo, cropped it so I could see what my legs looked like, descided they looked damn good and... wait for it... I apologise... it's deeply strange...but... my own legs turned me on as a man, as if I was looking at a woman's. Now that is peculiar!!
I agree to the fact that most people start to cross dress from very young age. In my case, Curiosity was the reason. At the age of 14 I sensed a growth in my otherwise normal nipples. This made me a little bit worried as I thought this would ultimately make me a man with the breast! As a teenager I worried. The thought of being a woman really haunted me. I continued constantly thiking about this. One day, When I went to take bath, I found my Mom's Bra in the bathroom. I took it. The very moment my legs began to tremble mildly. A different energy passed through my body. I tried it, a 34 B cup bra. I watched my femnine figure for the first time. Slowly I started to loving it - The Cross dressing. But after joining the college I dropped it. For almost another ten years I didn't cross dress. I Started back again from the depression and stress, which was devastating me after my first love failure. To cop up I started CDing once again, trying different Indian and Western womens wear, which includes Saree & Blouse, Negligee, Bra, Camisole, Tops, T's etc. I see my feminine part by taking my own cross dressed pictures using my webcam. I masturbate seeing me! It gives me Satisfaction sexually as mentally. It really relives me. It's a stress buster for me.
recently found out that my father had been a cross dresser his entire life and never suspected. my mom passed and the truth came out . How shocking.
The few crossdressers who are gay usually make certain the show "The bulge" of their genitals so that gays can recognise that they are indeed gay. Hetrosexual CD's try too hide their genitals. I am a hetro Crossdresser Have been a CD for over 50 years Some Cds are bisexualy and live with a man. But they are seldom transexuals. I would rather been a woman like many hetro CD's
Joanna
I've been cross dressing since 3rd grade or so. I've taken to shaving all my body hair (usually twice a year). I only wear women's underwear. It's been this way for years. My wife is neutral toward it. I have children, and they have seen me in my underwear. As they get older, they will be told the truth and helped to understand.
I have been a crossdresseer since age 11. My first sexual experiences were homosexual. My best friend was gay, though at 12 I didn't have a clue what "being gay" was. He and I remained occasional lovers for nearly 6 years. My next 8 years were totally heterosexual.....married, 5 children. But the urge to dress was too powwerful, and I really missed my first lover. I moved to Chicago and stayed at a local YMCA, which turned out to be a gay motel. It was impossible to take a shower in the communal shower room without being approached or touched. And, if you left your door open at night, you were inviting someone to visit your bed. I showered frequently and left my door open quite often. The Y masseur was also gay and I spent many nights on his massage table and in his bed. Now that I am a bit older, I have convinced myself that the gay lifestyle is more to my liking, because it takes a lot less effort to find a suitable partner. Women amke life difficult and other men make it so much easier to be loved.
Excellent information! I have been doing this since I was three years old and I go out dressed sometimes. The rest of the time I dress somewhere in the realm of androgyny. This is an accurate description of hetero cross dressers. Thanks for helping to inform people. People often jump to conclusions about me so I am just like this. :)
Likewise, I do crossdress but I still remain in the closet. My fiancee found out about it and it was the main contributing factor to our breakup. She found the pictures before I came out to her and it was devastating. I want to try and get a cure for it, is there one? I am as hetero as can be and have never even fantasized about sex when I am en femme. In fact I do it only for relaxation and relieving stress. I have never even thought about sex or masturbation when I am dressed as a female. I also do not do it occasionally, I have done it twice a year and that has worked for me. I did do it once as a 13 year old and did not do it in my twenties only to start back in my thirties.
I am a heterosexual crossdresser and been that way for many years. I GET TIRED OF HEARING THAT ALL CROSSDRESSERS ARE GAY. I LOVE WOMEN VERY MUCH. IN MY LAST RELATIONSHIP MY GIRLFRIEND USED TO LIKE IT LOVE MAKING WAS BETTER AND MORE EXCITING. WE BROKE UP A WHILE AGO BUT I STILL LOVE TO CROSS DRESS VERY MUCH AND IM STILL NOT GAY. THIS IS A VERY REAL PICTURE OF THE TRUTH ABOUT CROSSDRESSING. THANK YOU FOR THE ARTICAL.