Self-help Articles

by Mark Gorkin, LICSW

Anger can be constructive or destructive depending on whether aggressive energy and motives are acknowledged and channeled or denied and projected. The use of "I" messages can result in constructive conflict.

"I" messages don't just gracefully disarm or mollify an antagonist. When delivered with passion and purpose, strategic "I"s can, in "tongue fu"-like fashion, use hurtful or aggressive energy to unbalance an antagonist. You might even knock an adversary off their high horse or hostile path. Here's an instructive tale.

Disarm Hostility with Passionate Honesty

Years back, I was consulting with the supervisory staff of the Department of Human Services of a rural Maryland County. Because of the distance, the workshops were held monthly. The previous month, a male supervisor had confronted, somewhat pointedly, a female colleague during a drawing exercise. I belatedly realized we had not fully processed the engagement and decided to revisit the encounter.

At the following meeting, the male supervisor, in charge of case management, expressed appreciation when I acknowledged my sense of "unfinished business." He recognized that his actions could have been construed as an attack and he apologized.

The female supervisor, working in accounting, after perfunctorily acknowledging the apology, did not want to discuss the issue further. She was more concerned about the lack of clear communication and insufficient cooperation with her supervisory colleagues and their staff. Forms and reports were not being completed in a timely and thorough manner.

We discussed this and other issues, then took a break. During the recess, I approached the female supervisor. Realizing that some people prefer not to open up conflicts in a group forum, I again asked if she had any thoughts about the previous drawing exercise encounter or earlier discussion.

Immediately I elicited an incredulous air and jaundiced eye: "You sure know how to talk things to death, don't you." Now that's an attacking "You" message. After recoiling, then recovering from that sudden punch in the psychic gut, I managed a reply: "I just think clearing the air of unresolved conflict is important." I reaffirmed her own concern about communication breakdowns and wanting more cooperation from the staff.

Apparently feeling more like a cornered creature than colleague, now flush with a defensive venomous attitude, this supervisor quickly lashed out her one word stinger: "Whatever." Well, you can strike me once, but you're not going to do it a second time without experiencing my anger.

I mean, really, what would you love to do in this situation if you aren't left numb from the toxic encounter? If you don't shake the person silly, you are ready to expel the "B"-word: "You witch!" (I was always better at rhyming than spelling.)

Somehow, my higher power descended. From a painful grimace sprung an impassioned, "That hurts. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back!" Finally, I had her attention.

Having instinctively pushed back, now there was purpose, if not method, to my madness: "I don't think you realize how powerful a communicator you can be. But when you shoot out those darts you're pretty intimidating. You will turn folks off, or scare them off. Cooperation isn't going to be the first thing on peoples' minds."

Assessing Use of Constructive Conflict

In hindsight, I had used an effective confrontation. I immediately and visually let her know her attacks were not acceptable. I demonstrated the power of letting go of a "Tough John Wayne or Rambo" persona; I acknowledged feeling hurt.

Her lashing out wasn't just self-protective and dismissive. Also, I had used an "I" message to spotlight the hostile nature and cutting impact of her words and tone: "I feel like I've been stabbed in the back."

At the same time, I managed to provide a little ego stroking by acknowledging that she was a powerful communicator. And, in fact, this somewhat reserved woman was not fully aware of her passive-aggressive and offensive style when dealing with conflict, nor of her potential for intimidation and inflicting pain.

Her modus operandi: I feel threatened, therefore I'm entitled to react. (Reaction comes from a threatened place, a place fired by old fears and critical voices; a response comes from your center, a place of integrity, clarity and present-focus.)

I was pretty clean and clear with my anger, using an immediate, graphic and emotion-laden response. I also explained the consequences of her behavior, even managing to provide some ego-boosting and face-saving observation along with my constructive criticism.

When giving feedback, try to combine the bad news/good news. And the impact was noticeable. This supervisor was positively engaged with me and the group for the remainder of the workshop.

The Doc's 4 Step Constructive Confrontation

Let me close this article with a Four Step Approach to Effective "I" Messages using a hypothetical exchange between a supervisor and an employee to illustrate this sequential process. The Supervisor (S) encounters Employee (E) in the hall. S. has not been able to get feedback from E. on the status of an important work project. The scenario raises key communication/confrontation issues as well as followup statements and questions.

I. Use an "I" Statement, Question or Observation

Begin your exchange with an "I" message: "I'm concerned," "I'm confused," or "I'm frustrated." Also acceptable as a leading question: "What the heck is going on?" (You can say "hell" if your perplexity is truly justified ;-). But don't use four letter words to intimidate or to exploit a power differential.) Observational comments can be effective: "I noticed you broke the pencil. Are you upset about something?"

S: Hey, E., I need to talk with you. I'm frustrated (or confused; again, depending on the interpersonal context you may need to be more or less tactful).

D. Describe the Problem Specifically

S: I've asked you three times this week for the status of the systems report and I haven't received the report or any response. What's going on here?

Avoid provocative, judgmental "acc-you-sations": "Why are you avoiding me?" or "You never get your work in on time."

E. Explain Your Upset -- Effects and Expectations

a) Effects. S: Without your report, I wasn't able to present the latest data at the branch meeting. We had to postpone making a decision that is time-sensitive. ("And you made me look like a fool in front of the other supervisors." No, resist such language. That's a blaming "You" message.)

b) Expectations. Express clearly and firmly your needs, desires or expectations to remedy the problematic situation.

S: We really need the data. I want to meet tomorrow morning at 9:00 to discuss where you are with the project. I want us to establish a realistic time line for completion.

A. Acknowledge Other and Ask for Input

Explore where the other person is coming from; how do they see their workload demands on time and energy, etc.

S: I know you are working on several important projects concurrently. Tell me what's on your plate. Then we'll need to set priorities and upgrade the importance of this branch data project. If you are having a hard time juggling priorities or if you anticipate a deadline problem, I want to know ahead of time.

Understandably, people often ask why I don't initiate this problem-solving encounter from this more empathic, less assertive, perspective. It's a good question. Having lived in Washington, DC these past nine years influences my answer.

Frankly, I see too many folks impatient, under stress, caught up in their own self-importance, who say things like, "I know you've got a lot of stuff on your plate, but can't you get that work on Project B done!"

And it is said less as a question and more with a condemning tone. This kind of "scarcasm" will only escalate tensions. When folks are under stress or feeling time-pressured, I'd rather they not cover up their frustration with an intellectualized, pseudo concern.

Using an "I" message, be up front and clear with your concern or upset. Then, genuinely thank the person for listening to you (and your three "I" message steps. Remember, it's not easy listening to direct critical feedback).

Now, having unloaded some steam, you can more cleanly and compassionately acknowledge the other's workload, conflicting priorities, time lines, etc. and, ultimately, give them a chance to be a problem-solving collaborator. (In addition, this process is effective with a pattern of less than satisfactory work performance.

With documentation and these intervention steps, you can let E. know, in a less emotional and more professional manner, your objective concern and the concrete consequences for continuing problematic behavior.)

S: I really would like your help in problem-solving. Where are the obstacles? From your perspective, what needs to be done next? Let's also do some longer range planning to anticipate similar bottlejams and to keep us on the same page. In fact, I'd like to meet once/week until we both are confident you have reasonable control over the various project elements.

So, IDEA...this acronym is truly a good idea for replacing aggression with assertion by employing "I" messages and eliminating blaming "You"s, allowing clarity to subdue hostility and for realizing that constructive conflict, genuinely and maturely engaged, can turn antagonists into allies. And, of course, you will also be...Practicing Safe Stress!

References:

Mark Gorkin, "Anger or Aggression: Confronting the Passionate Edge," Legal Assistant Today, Winter 1986

Harriet G. Lerner, "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", Paperback, HarperTrade / August 2000

W. Doyle Gentry, "Anger-Free: Ten Basic Steps to Managing Your Anger", Paperback, Morrow,William & Co, March 2000

About the Author:

Mark Gorkin is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, speaker, trainer and "Online Psychohumorist," known throughout the web, AOL, and the nation as "The Stress Doc." Specialty areas: organizational change and conflict, team building, creativity and humor. (1616 18th Street, NW #312, Washington, DC 20009-2530, (202) 232-8662).