SelfhelpMagazine

James Lehman, MSW

At times, children will verbally draw a line in the sand, stare you in the eye and say “You can’t make me.” When they say this, what they’re looking for is a fight, and it’s important not to give them one.

By responding with “Oh yes I can,” there’s a threat implied, and you might simply be further escalating the situation if you let your child control of the next few minutes by responding directly to the challenge.

Being indirect is often the best approach with challenging children and teens.

Reminding Your Child of Consequences

You’re giving the child control by joining into a fight. You don't automatically accept every invitation you get, so there's no reason you have to accept every challenge given by your child, either. It’s important to remember not to engage the child on her level. Instead, respond to your kid by taking your emotions out of the equation and focusing back on the matter at hand.

• “You can’t make me!”

  Translation:“I don’t want to do what you’re asking, and I’ll try to start a fight with you instead."

• Ineffective parenting response:“I can and I will if you don’t do it right now.”

• Effective parenting response:“I’m not here to make you. But there are consequences if you break the rules.”

Have a list of consequences displayed on a bedroom wall, a
refrigerator or anywhere within reach. This list can be useful when your child is
spiraling out of control. Have the list handy so you can point ot
it or take it out and calmly leave it on the table before you leave the
room. Your child may not be mature enough to sit down and refresh her memory bt re-reading that list, but even if she tries her hardest to not focus on that list of consequences, the items on that paper will probably flood into her mind. She will certainly remember more of the list upon seeing it than if you didn't point it out at all.

Set the Pace: Slow Things Down
Just as when
we need to regain control of a careening automobile, the fastest and
easiest way to regain control is by slowing down. Then we grip the
wheel and focus intenttly on whatever is in front of us.

Similarly, when people feel out of control, then can regain control
by slowing things down, and focusing on whatever is in front of them.
Wait a minute before responding. Take the time to focus on your body,
your lungs, your legs. Feel your back bone. Swallow and take another breath. Then take another one.

If you accept the concept that your child attempting to regain control by challenging you, and that part of growing up is learning how to feel more in control when the environment seems out of control, then it is your job to slow things down enough to help your child regain control in a positive way.

Set the pace for responding.  Just because your teen
is taunting you, there's no hurry for you to do or say anything. Delay any response that can be delayed. Teach your children that if they want a decision from you, the'd better bring it up early, that is, when you have plenty of time to think about it and discuss it with them and others.

The "30-minutes for Decisions Rule"
Imagine a local judge in your city's courthouse being rushed by a citizen to render a legal decision. How successful that citizen be?

Good judges sit and consider all pertinent information. Then they impose natural consequences as often as possible. If a citizen has tried to escape the natural consequence of stealing, for example, the judge will impose a fine and often force them to make restitution in one form or another. Similarly, good parents try to teach their children that their words and actions lead to natural consequences.

This is hard work! Why bother? So that a judge won't be needed to give your children these lessons later on.

About the author:

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents.He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.

Does Your Child Say This? “You can’t make me!” reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com.