SelfhelpMagazine

by Linda Sapadin, Ph.D.

Want to know one of life's biggest secrets? Well, here it is: you don't have to feel confident on the inside to look confident on the outside. There are time-proven techniques to building confidence.

In fact, many of the world's most accomplished people feel shy, shaky, insecure, and at times even terrified. Yet, they go about working to achieve their goals. This is true for many renowned actors, singers, heads of corporations, politicians, teachers and yes, even psychologists.

Michael, a 42-year-old introverted business executive I've coached, recently described his experience. "I've learned that nobody has to know how insecure you feel - unless you take them into your confidence and let them in on your secret.

I have no need to advertise my fears or my insecurities. I used to think that my lack of confidence was visible to all. Now, however, I'm amazed at how often people mistake my shyness for strength, my silence for steadfastness."

"If you want a quality, act 'as if' you already had it", advised William James, the father of American psychology. How right he was! Here are some distinct advantages to acting 'as if' you know what you're doing:

• Acting 'as if' will provide you with the experience you need to hone your skills. With experience, persistence, and time, you'll be surprised by how much knowledge you can acquire and how much confidence you can develop. If you're like most people, you're probably your own toughest critic. So cut yourself some slack. The odds are that you look better and sound better than you imagine.
• Mild anxiety can actually be an asset. Athletes, musicians, public speakers, and others who must perform under pressure are all boosted by low-level stress. Severe anxiety is often debilitating to performance, but having a few butterflies in your stomach works in your favor. So if you're feeling on edge about what you need to do, don't let that stop you. Take a deep breath, relax and let your nervousness work to your advantage.
• Anticipatory anxiety is often worse than the actual experience you'll face. After an experience is over, it's not unusual to hear people say, "It wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be." Once immersed in the task at hand, you'll likely discover your fears fading into the background as your competence brightens the day. Sometimes I hear people saying, "I can't imagine being ….". Or "I can't imagine doing ….". Yes, many aspects of life are intimidating. But as I see it, developing an enriched life requires us to imagine being more and doing more than we do now.

"Imagination," wrote Norman Vincent Peale "is the true magic carpet." So, keep your imagination fresh. Allow yourself room to grow. Do your best. And while doing so, go ahead and pretend you're confident about what you're doing.

That's the trick: pretend! Pretend just like you did when you were a kid. For example, if you are wanting to learn how to be better at thinking on your feet in front of others, try these tips:

• Practice alone first, maybe at home, in front of the mirror. Read a web page, newspaper or magazine article and summarize it for a "pretend" audience.
• Then try the same activity with a friend or family member.
• Videotape or audio-record yourself
• Then, make your own list of things you did right (stood straight; kept your hands away from your nose; said 250 words properly for every stutter or "ahhhhh"; enunciated clearly, etc.) and write a list of everything you did right, along with what you did wrong, then try it again the very same day.
• Ask for feedback from others, but coach them in how to give it. Ask your "pretend" audience to give you two (2) good things about your presentation for every one (1) suggested improvement.
• Join the popular public speaking training group known as "Toastmasters", or if you have a nearby community college, take a drama, improvisation or acting class.
• Pat yourself on the back by telling yourself things like, "Hey, at least I'm working on my skills." "I'm doing better and better all the time." I'm going to work at this until I get it!" Be proud of yourself for working on yourself.

If people couldn't imagine doing more:
- Sara would never have become ordained as a rabbi.
- Naomi would never have become a master teacher of troubled teens.
- Jessica would never have become a diplomat for Israeli Arab issues.
- And I would never be writing this article.

About the Author:

Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and coach in private practice who specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. For more information about her work, contact her at http://www.psychwisdom.com/