Self-help Articles

Ok I saw my 1 yr old daughter playing with my 4 month old sons penis. She contiud as she got older and i talked to her about it and she just said that she likes my sons penis and she said that she was putting it in her butt I explained to her that that was very very bad of her. After that i had put security cams in the house and my daughter still did that but rarely and was looking guilty about it I had talked to her about it a second time and she said that it felt good and i had told her that i had put some cameras in the house and that i could see everything she was doing she looed all embarresed and everthing and my daughter is currently 4 OMG she is doing it again I have to go

the best thing parents can do is put parental guidance on tvs and watch what they do and say around the children or in the presense of a child. parents should tell their children about sexual education so that they wont hear it from someone else that might tell them that certain things are okay when their not. if a child has acted in a way that is untolerable then the child should see a councelor with the parent to explain that certain things are wrong weither they saw it on the tv or saw a nother child do something.

I think the reason child-on-child sexual abuse isn't taken seriously is because there is no bad guy to demonize. The pedophile is seen as the modern satan. The media and ourselves made an image of the pedophile as the ultimate baddie. No five-year old fits that image of modern Satan, therefore we think he's not a pervert (so far, we're right) and therefore can't do harm (that's where we're wrong).

When I was five, my 12 year old brother masturbated in front of me and when I was ten, a cousin of the same age made me masturbate dead animals and touch myself while watching afterwards. Neither of them wanted to do harm, but both grew up in families where child abuse was virtually tolerated.

I can't believe some people here say we're just prudish religious folk who freak out for nothing. There may be no bad guy, but there is still pain.

I'm not asking people to teach children about "sin", but about "intimacy". That masturbation belong in the bedroom, that everyone is master of their own body. There's nothing religiously prude about that!

When I come to think about it, being (oh, horror!) disciplined, even too harshly, for something sexually-related would have caused me harm, but probably much less than what child-on-child sex abuse did. When your parents scold you for masturbating, you quickly understand you just need not to get caught and therefore, you do it where it belongs, in the intimacy. Child-on-child sexual abuse brings more complicated problems.

my son is 3 yrs old. He rubs his penis on any object he gets and the penis gets erected. I try to divert his attention but he continue it. I am really worried.

LEXI,
It does not matter if it is called abuse or experimentation. I can assure you what happened to you is way more common than what you think or what people admit. I recommend you find someone to talk about it with, because it seems like its putting stress on your life and to me that is abuse. I think if you talked to someone you would feel a lot better. I wish the best to you!
Momma C :)

found my 5year old son on top of his 2year old sister.both without pants.Cant seem to get wat l saw out of my head.l asked him where he cld ve seen et act but he cldnt say.am confused is this normal .and wat of my daughter will this affect her in any way.she is still her happy normal self

I have a 3 yr old son and i ofter catch him pulling on himself....i never knew what to think, according to the doctor it is quite normal..I don't really understand it and wondered how much is normal and when to draw the line??

I think more mindful study should go into the sexual experiences of children. For example, as a girl, I masturbated and thought about sex as much as what is "reported" that boys do. It is a social construction that boys masturbate more than girls. As well, if this occurs, it is most likely due to the sexual repression and expectation of girls, rather than any innate quality. Girls and women try to live up to this stereotype, as boys and men do too. So we should be careful about making stereotypical claims about sex difference.

"excessive sexual play with a same age or older child who has more sophisticated sexual knowledge"

are you serious? so children are not permitted to learn about sex from friends?

..oh sorry, not permitted 'excessive' learning. you drips. i give this article zero stars.

Hello,

For a long time I have been trying to understand child sexuality and trying to relate them to my own experiences.

I am realizing that as a child I was sexually active with female of 4-6 years of age,which now I consider as normal.

when i was a child of 5 years old, i performed cunnilingus on my neighborhood girl.she was also 5 years old. i did it while we were playing. now i feel guilt, whether i have done a wrong thing.

I guess if kids touch themselves at, for example, shower time, then that's ok and perfectly normal.

I think parents have to be very careful with an article like this, presuming that this is normal..growing up when sex was not pushed,yrs ago..small kids just didn't act like this..I believe that still to be true..there is a dumbing down of parents and kids are being pushed to act much older,something is very suspect about pushing kids sexually or not noticing something may be not quite right, question that,..keep them close, let them be children, babies..watch carefully, many people up to no good with your children, even to the point,looking as though they are educating you as parents. Careful, these are your babies..your children, don't let someone change them into something they are not,instinctively!..parents do not need this constant 'teaching thing'.. basics...instinctively is right or wrong..and parents instinctively know this, unless they have been brainwashed to believe otherwise..my opinion..2 grown kids of my own..no problems.

The other day I caught my 5 year old showing his privets to the 2 year old girl I babysit, When I asked him about it he said he wanted her to lick it but she didnt open her mouth, this is not normal, I feel sick about it and dont know what to do, I have talked to him and have asked him if he has ever seen anyone do this or if anyone has ever asked him to do this and the anwser was no....we dont watch movies like that and we dont have tv, where would this come from, should I be worried about my son being a pervert I am so stressed about this.

My 4yo daughter caught me masterbating while on phone to my fiance who was away for work at mo. I thought she was asleep for an hour or so. Got carried away and put my hand down my trausers. I was fully clothed, laying down on sofa, and i was making noises...

She called me from bedroom, and went rightaway to see her, her face was red and asked me what i was doing? I said i have a terrible back pain. I didnt see her comming to the fron room but she did and she saw me (dont know for how long as my eyes were closed) ran back to her bedroom and called for me.

This was maybe 6 weeks ago. A week or so after she started doing 'sexual' noises, in different situations....when playing, when out on her bike, when dancing and singing (no sexual poses etc). It might not be what i think it is but everytime i hear her i hear myself that night. Tonite while she was putting her pijamas on, and had no idea i was watching her she open her legs and was tapping or slapping her genitals, could not see very well. I let her know i could see her and she stopped. After she was in her pijamas when kissed her good night told her she has to behave like a pretty young girl not like an adult and that it was ugly, and that genitals are to touch after using toilet, when itchy and when having a bath, otherwise she could get an irritation and we will have to take her to doctors. Asked her if she wanted to tell me things and she said she will not do it again and didnt wanted to talk.

Over xmas she went to her dad's (we are separated) and she told me, that she told him smtg abt mommy moaning abt her back, and she said smtg like she doesnt believe it was my back or her dad said it was not my back. She also mentioned him i was on the phone to my fiance.

I am sick worried. I thought as she is so young she will forget abt it in a few weeks time. Me and my bf are very careful not to expose her to anything but the normal ( a kiss, not french, or holding hands etc).

I feel so guilty.

Im lost on what to do... my son had a sexual engagement with a friend about a yr ago, Both of the boys have not had any problems in this since then until now. Recently my son was with a sitter along with cousins that were close to his age. They introduced more sexual behavior to my son, and now my son and his lil friend (who is four) have had encounters again. when we approached the boys about this the 4yr old tells us that he has seen mommy and daddy doing such things and that "he likes" my son (2yrs old). They have gone beyond the point of experimenting and now we dont know what to do to stop our children from continuing these acts. or where they may have generated from. We have spanked the boys and done time out, have sat and discussed that it is wrong but we dont seem to be getting through to them. Today we discussed taking them to a therapist to try and work on the issue but Im not sure if this is the answer.
Any suggestions as to what I should do before they hurt eachother or take it to far? Separating the boys is not an option they have grown together since they were very young. babies. but our husbands are getting to the point where they believe that the behavior may lead to a life of homosexuality. Can you help me?

I am a clinical social worker working with distressed families in the community. I am having a challenging time with children playing with each others private parts (mostly the penis). I have a girl age 6 who is sucking her 3 y/0 brother's penis. I have a 5 y/o boy who is touchng his 3 y/o old brother's penis. When researching the DSM IV for a dx to work with there is none. I go on line to look for more information to work with and I found your article indicating that it is normal for small children to fondle. While that is true I do not think it is right to perform oral sex at 6 y/o.

I just found out that when my husband was 14 years old he tried to touch his neice who was 9 years old . She told me . It happened three times . He made up a story to get her to take off her clothes and she did . He just looked at her . Then the other two times he tried to put his hands in her pants . She claims he never really touched her though . But I dont know if that is true or not . He won't admit anything . I have a four month old child with this man . He is 22 years old now . I need help !

I have a almost 5 year old daughter, and when she was almost 4 she started touching herself. she would lay on her hand, or put something between her legs and move around. afterwards her face would be red, like she got something out of it.i have caught her on some occasions, and have popped her butt. i don't know what to do, or why she started in the first place.

I think this article will be helpful to some of you parents who do not know at what ages what sexual activity is normal.

http://nctsn.org/nctsn_assets/pdfs/caring/sexualdevelopmentandbehavior.p...

Our three year old son has recently started playing with his sisters barbie dolls. He lifts the Barbie's dress and places the doll on his erect penis. He will sit with the barbie on his penis for 5 minutes or so and then be done. He seems to do this two or three times a day. My wife and I have tried not to make a big deal out of this so as not to traumatize the boy. However we are confused by his behavior and are not sure if it is normal or if we are handling it properly.

I saw my 9 year old son kissing a dolls breasts. Is that normal behavior?

My 3 year old likes to play with her 4 year old friend looking at each other genitals and trying to introduce objects on each other. She also tries to introduce objects on her anus from some time now, now she did manage to indruduce a pencil on her anus. She was sick some weeks ago and when i try to introduce a supository she complained that it hurt, that was the 1st time she complained about having a supository...should i be worried about this new pain she feels on her anus, maybe looking for sexual abuse? Should i be worried about her introducing a pencil on her anus? Should i be worried about her friend and herself introducing objects on each others genitals? Or is all this normal? Her behaviour did not change she's still a very happy, active, communicative child. Thank you for clarifying me.

My partners son is showcasing behaviour that appears to be abnormal. He will run back and forth flicking his penis for 20 mins or more. He also sits on the lounge rubbing his penis. When he is in bed he humps the bed and makes noises. He is 6 years old. He also appears to have an obsession with breasts. He makes up games to play just so he can touch my breasts. All of this behaviour makes me uncomfortable and I don't know whether I should be concerned or not.

Hello,

For a long time I have been trying to understand child sexuality and trying to relate them to my own experiences.

Since last two or three years I am undergoing psychotherapy and self analysis to understand some of my other behaviors / mental issues.

I am realizing that as a child I was sexually active with peers of 4-6 years of age, both male and female, which now I consider as normal.

I also remember, I wanted to have my moms breast when I was 3-4 years of age, one night I saw my mom and dad in love making pose, and suddenly I came out of room pretending to have seen nothing.

The same night I asked mom that I want to have milk at midnight, whereas my intention was to have it from my
mom's breast. To which i was scolded and put to sleep, as it was past midnight.

It remained buried in my mind for decades, i recovered this in self-therapy.

Is this a sign of Oedipus-Complex as defined by Freud ?

During my self analysis, I recovered another of my sexual behavior as a child, when I was 11-13 years of age, I was living in a joint family and had two maternal aunts.

I remember fantasizing about one of aunts and i had a deep sexual attraction to her as she was very beautiful. After some time i started fantasizing about other aunt as well, also for some other grown up females like my school teachers who were not part of my home.

Is this normal for children of that age (11 - 14 years of age).

I also remember seeing my aunts bathing in bathroom through a slit in the bath door, or whenever I would get any opportunity to see them changing.

Once again was it normal for me as a child to do this.

Why is it that now I feel bad about it and wish it hadn't happened.

I was analyzing self as I have a long history of depression and other mental issues. I have overcome my depression to a great extent.

Why is it happening that the above behavior is always at the back of my mind, whatever i may be doing ?

Any ideas on this.

Also after 14-15 years of age, I was a normal boy like any other.

Sincerely,
Joy. (Male, 32 years, India)

I m a mum for a 5 years old son . since 4 years he started to move his lower part while seated on a chair without stoppin to the extent he turned sweat and red. his collegues at school notice as well as his teachers whom they keep saying this is an unacceptable behavouir in school . i don t know what to do???????????????

Children explore as soon as they realize all the segments of their own body. Sexuality is not filthy or wrong. This is a religious idea. Of course no one should be hurt or forced to do anything against their will. But when certain things happen, we have to look at them as they really are. A boy rubbing his peppe on another child is not a sex predator. He is simply curious. If you mind such behavior give him guidance. And you should all ask yourself would this happen if you cared about his sex education in the first place. And that isn't telling the child "don't do it". But explaining to him cause and consequences of sexual acts. I DO NOT BLAME ANY CHILD FOR DOING WRONG. I blame the parents. Cause they are trying to impose adult rules and fears on children who do not understand such world. Reading this list I found myself thinking how all the people I know are actually sex offenders. I am. My brother is. My boyfriend is. My friends are. My mother is. Scary stuff. But at the end all of us are free to have our own opinions. And if you believe it is moral to tell your children that sexuality is when you grow up and have babies, be free to do so.

Be well.

http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/childhood%20sexuality.html

Psycho-sexual development refers to the process of changing from an infant to an adult who is capable of relationship and sexual reproduction by mating with another human being. In many ways, that process is automatic, and does not need to be managed. For example, soon after a baby is born, it discovers its own genitals and begins to play with them, which is called "masturbation." This is an entirely normal and expected part of growing up (psycho-sexual development), which is needed so that the growing child can feel its own body and feel how it works. Learning to achieve orgasm by means of masturbation lays the groundwork for being able to have orgasms through sexual intercourse later in life, and so masturbation is required by the human being in order to become a fully capable adult. Unfortunately, religious authorities and others have demonized masturbation, labeling it a sin and the child who engages in it a sinner. This is completely erroneous. There is nothing at all sinful or wrong about masturbation. In fact, it is good for you!

The same is true of other kinds of sexual experimentation in which children engage with other children or sometimes animals. It is not a sin or wrong. On the contrary, this is a normal part of psycho-sexual development. Such experiences teach the child about her own body, and how sexuality feels. This prepares the child for later functioning as an adult. Now such activities, have one meaning when a child does them, and quite another when an adult does. For the child, sexual play with another child or even with an animal is experimentation. For an adult, it is not experimentation, but the sign of an unhealthy relationship to sexuality, for we expect adults to have had sufficient psycho-sexual development to be able to engage is sex with other consenting adults, not with children or animals. In other words, one sign of an adult is already having passed through the stage of childhood sexual experimentation--not to keep repeating it, which would be childish.

Believe whatever you want to believe. One day you will realize that you make your children regret that they were even born as you label them offenders and rapists. A child who does do wrong to another child, which is by my opinion, an act that is malicious and violent and hurtful (and that is definitely not "peppe rubbing") is not responsible but the parent is responsible for not teaching the child any better. Telling them "DON'T DO IT" will achieve nothing and those who believe so are living in their on illusion.

The truth is, nobody can truly say what is normal or abnormal childhood behaviour, sexual, physical, mental or otherwise. We just simply don’t know, we don’t have the research to tell us. A few university questionnaires carried out on American students will not tell us. You would have to talk to children and adults all over the world to find out and even then to define “normal” would be difficult. Nobody can intimately follow a child through life 24 hours a day or accept their parent’s observations as the truth. Many of the reports on the matter use people’s memories as the basis for assessing what’s normal. Our memories are subject to being faulty as we know and there are a variety of cultural factors that affect an individual’s viewpoint on whats normal, depending on what part of the world they live in. Basically what might be normal childhood sexual behavior in a ten child family living in an Indian shack may not be so normal to an affluent British family with only one child.. What might be normal child sexual behavior in an Ethiopian tribe may not be normal to an American family etc, the Dutch may view things differently to the Canadians and so on so forth.

t is so sad to think that people the world over have considered suicide over this confusion and many remain severely depressed today constantly wondering where they as a child, a sex offender?? They have read something in a book or the internet and know feel like killing themselves because an “expert” has told them that they should have known better, that as they were the older child they must take the blame, that they have “abused” somebody. And this must be a fact or the truth because the “expert” says it so, the “expert” has decided and know the person is doomed to a miserable existence.

We can’t know exactly why somebody would deal with a definition of sexual abuse in such a blunt, generalistic way. We don’t know what experiences they have had in their own life’s etc.. but in my opinion it is extremely sad that there was not more tact shown by these professionals. There can be very innocent, natural acts of sexual curiosity by six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven year old children brought in to this supposed category of abuse that really belong no where near the term. This normal curiosity of a pre-pubescent child is a million miles away from adult sexual behavior. It does not have the same energy, the same motives, the same feeling or the same rationale. Its commonly spontaneous, unplanned and about touch/sensation. Its hilarious to think that people would seek to retrospectively condemn children in this age group for supposed “abusive” behavior when in all likelihood they know that these kids probably never had any form of information, discussion or awareness of what sex was passed on to them by the adult world when they committed their so called terrible acts.
These children are not automatically sexually abusing other children, just because the child happens to be five years younger. It is ridiculous to think that the same behavior could be deemed normal in the event of a 4 year and 11 month age gap and then suddenly deemed sexual abuse if an extra month is added on. This is quite clearly nonsense. I don’t know who the first person was to come up with this logic but in a way it’s not that surprising. In the intellectual world of academia its always necessary sooner or later to quantify and measure so I’m sure at some stage somebody decided that “5” was the magic number following a peer review that asked the author to put their money where their mouth was when it came to defining the problem of an age gap with child sexual behavior.

Of course we don’t encourage our children to act out sexually with each other, either with children of the same age or with children five years younger. However we can’t bring our mature adult mindset and standards and then suddenly start imposing them on children. Labeling them “sexual abusers” and offloading our discomfort with the subject matter on to them. This whole area is delicate and needs to be treated with consideration and proper understanding. Ridiculous sweeping generalizations or definitions can cause a lot of unnecessary upset but only if they are allowed to do so.

Of course young children can do worrying things, including acting in a sexually aggressive manner. This is obviously a cause for concern and indicative of the need for specialist treatment and intervention. However rushing to label children as sexual abusers is not the way to go about things. Every case needs to be taken on its own merit, every case will be unique and ridiculous generalizations and definitions help nobody at all.

Be well.

If a child is involved in a sexual experience that hurts and scars the child or another child, it's WRONG - period. It's not normal development, it's not exploring, it's harmful. For anyone who thinks otherwise, you need to look at stories from the victims - that's right, VICTIMS.

when my 4 yr old granddaughter sits on a hard chair she moves back and forth untill she goes red in the face and sweats. she says she enjoys doing this. how should her mother deal with this ?. she has ignored it and spoken to her about it. It has been noticed in creche and become a bit of a problem

Ive been looking for information like this but am still confused... at a very young age my cousin and I (same age, both female) played games where we were usually pretending to be adults and we would rub against each other. Also once I took off my clothes and she was pretending to teach a group of people what to do to me, in certain areas. She didnt do it, but would point and say things to do. Are these things normal exploring behavior? I have really been wondering lately about my childhood, Im now 22 and feel so ashamed of our behaviors. Please anyone let me know if you think our behavior was normal or if one/both of us may have been exposed to something we shouldnt have. I cant remember when we started this or if one of us taught the other, I only remember incidents after we had been doing it and we both wanted to. Also I did similar things on my own like rubbing against things, and often at night Id think of stories to help me sleep but they were always sexual and I was pretty young.