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Child Sexual Behaviors: What Is Considered "Normal" Sexual Development and Behavior?
by Phil Rich, Ed.D., LICSW
In an age when childhood sexual abuse and victimization is increasingly on our minds, it is important for parents (and other caretakers) to understand what is "normal" sexual development and behavior in children and teenagers, and which behaviors might signal that a child is a victim of sexual abuse, or acting in a sexually aggressive manner towards others.
In fact, sexual development and sexual play are natural and healthy processes in children, from toddlers through childhood and into adolescence. For infants and toddlers, this usually involves body sensations, cuddling and touch, and playing with toys.
Even in the earliest of days, babies and toddlers touch and rub their own genitals, and even as infants boys experience erections. By early school age (5-7), children are interested in body parts and functions. Some sexual play may begin, and concepts of love and affection begin to develop, evolving into behaviors and questions that continue developing into later childhood (8-9 years old).
Pre-adolescent children (ages 10-12) are more focused on social relationships and expectations, and begin to experience clearer sexual feelings. Children touch, fondle, and rub their own genitals throughout childhood, but they begin to more clearly masturbate during this time, developing clearer patterns into and beyond puberty (ages 12/13 and up).
By puberty and adolescence, body parts and sexual organs are clearly developing, and puberty brings the onset of menstruation in girls and more routine masturbation for both boys and girls, and especially boys. As children move deeper into adolescence, romance, intimacy, and sexual issues are driven by and blend with physical feelings, emotions, and social expectations. Dating and more intense sexual relationships begin and deepen, moving from thinking about and discussing romances, to dating, kissing, sexual petting, and, in many cases, sexual relationships and intercourse.
But it is important to distinguish between age appropriate and age inappropriate sexual behaviors. Many children engage in sexual behaviors and show sexual interests throughout their entire childhood, even though they have not yet reached puberty. However, normative (or expected) sexual behaviors are usually not overtly sexual, are more exploratory and playful in nature, do not show a preoccupation with sexual interactions, and are not hostile, aggressive, or hurtful to self or others.
Appropriate and Inappropriate Childhood Sexuality
Like other areas of growth, children's sexual behavior develops over time, and many behaviors are normal for children at certain ages. On the other hand, there are sexual behaviors about which we should be concerned, are worrisome, and should not be ignored or seen as child's play.
Other sexual behaviors are more serious and may be dangerous to the child and others. Nevertheless, when a child engages in sexual behaviors, it can be difficult to decide when the behavior is natural and healthy, and when it may reflect a problem or disturbance.
The normative behaviors of childhood and adolescence are of concern when they are extensive or suggest preoccupation, or involve others in ways that are not consensual. That is, sexual behaviors in children present a special concern when they appear as prominent features in a child's life, or when sexual play or behaviors are not welcomed by other children involved in the play. This is the point at which sexually harmful and aggressive behaviors most closely and clearly hinges.
Sexually Reactive Children
"Sexually Reactive" children are pre-pubescent boys and girls who have been exposed to, or had contact with, inappropriate sexual activities. The sexually reactive child may engage in a variety of age-inappropriate sexual behaviors as a result of his or her own exposure to sexual experiences, and may begin to act out, or engage in, sexual behaviors or relationships that include excessive sexual play, inappropriate sexual comments or gestures, mutual sexual activity with other children, or sexual molestation and abuse of other children.
Inappropriate Sexual Exposure
For children aged below 11, we consider all forms of sexual exposure inappropriate, and especially for children aged 10 and younger. This includes:
- all forms of sexual activity with adolescents and adults
- viewing pornography or other sexually explicit material
- witnessing sexual behaviors between adults, adolescents, or other children
- excessive sexual play with a same age or older child who has more sophisticated sexual knowledge
- any situation in which a child is exposed to explicit sexual materials outside of an educational experience taught by qualified staff
Inappropriate Sexual Behaviors
Sexually reactive children may react to their exposure to sexual activities by:
- demonstrating precocious sexualized activities, gestures, language, and knowledge
- engaging in extensive mutual sexual play with same age or younger children
- engaging in excessive masturbation or demonstrating a preoccupation with sexual activities and ideas
- engaging in sexual behaviors in public, such as sexual exposure, rubbing, or masturbation
- interest in or attempting sexual contact with older children, adolescents, adults, or animals
- engaging in or attempting significant sexual encounters with same age or younger children, including masturbation, oral sex, digital penetration, and intercourse
- sexually molesting other, and especially younger, children
Signs of Sexual Disturbance
Toni Cavanagh Johnson, a psychologist specializing in childhood sexual development, lists signs of concern in children up to the age of about 12:
- Children should not be preoccupied with sexual play, and should engage in many other forms of play
- Children should not engage in sexual play with much younger or much older children
- Children should not have precocious knowledge of sex beyond their age
- Children's sexual behaviors and interests should be similar to those of other same-age children
- Children should not be "driven" to engage in sexual activities, and be able to stop when told to by an adult
- Children's sexual play should not lead to complaints from or have a negative effect on other children, and should not cause physical or emotional discomfort to themselves or others
- Children should not sexualize relationships, or see others as objects for sexual interactions
- Children aged 4 and older should understand the rights and boundaries of other children in sexual play
- Children should not experience fear, shame, or guilt in their sexual play
- Children should not engage in adult-type sexual activities with other children
- Children should not direct sexual behaviors toward older adolescents or adults
- Children should not engage in sexual activities with animals
- Children should not use sex to hurt others
- Children should not use bribery, threats, or force to engage other children in sexual play
There are many excellent books and other publications that explain and discuss healthy sexual development in children and adolescents. Parents who have questions about sexual behavior in children should take the time to learn about sexual development in their child, and be aware of the possibility of sexual difficulties.
References:
Araji, Sharon K. (1997) Sexually Aggressive Children. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Cavanaugh Johnson, Toni. (1999). Understanding Your Child's Sexual Behavior. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
De Freitas, Chrystal (1998). Keys to Your Child's Healthy Sexuality. Hauppauge, NY: Barrons Educational Series.
Haffner, Debra W. (2000). From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children. New York: Newmarket Press.
Salter, Anna C. (1988). Treating Child Sex Offenders and Victims. Newburry Park, CA: Sage Publications.
About the Author:
Phil Rich, Ed.D., LICSW, is the author of Understanding, Assessing, and Rehabilitating Juvenile Sexual Offenders, the eight books in The Healing Journey series of self help journaling books, and two books in the Therapy Homework Planner, series, all of which are published by John Wiley & Sons. He is the Clinical Director of the Stetson School, a long-term residential treatment program for sexually reactive children and juvenile sexual offenders.
Originally published 4/29/2002
Revised 10/26/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
Revised 10/26/08 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
I have a 5 year old son who I have recently noticed that a lot of times if he is laying on his tummy watching TV or something he will start humping. Like you can just see his butt moving. It like totally freaks me out b/c to me that is just gross. I have talked to him about it and he says it feels good. It is just nasty to me.
i am 22 year old boy and i had suffered from sexual abuse in my early childhood and iam hyper excited about sex even today
My urge for sex is too high
can this urge be little reduced as i am not able to concentrate on anything and everytime think about sex
I couple of days ago my 2 year old child told me that his 11 yeard old cousin put his mouth on his gential area! I am soo worried and upset, cause its such an age diff! But my sons father says kids do this stuff and so does the cousins parents! Maybe i am over reacting but it doesn't seem normal for a 11 year old boy to do such a thing to a 2 year old! It seems sick! I have been crying for days cause I don't know what to do! I know that the 11 year old needs some help mentally but should i get my 2 year old counseling as will! I know that the 11 year old parents aren't gonna do much about it. Some people told me i need to call child services on the 11 year old and his parents! I don't know what to do, i really don't! One minute i wanna call the police and the next i think maybe if i just sit the kid down and talk to him! I know it is not norma for an 11 year old boy to sexually touch a 2 year old! At ae 11 you know better! My son is so young and i wonder if this is gonna mess him up in the long run!
One thing I really need to say about this behavior is that none of it is okay. Once they have the opportunity to do it and all they hear is not to then they continue. They know it feels good and that is all that will matter to them. The best method is to call them out in a scene that tears them out of it. In the story with the 6 yr old little boy written by Jimmie, I understand your frustration. After the first time I would have been estatic just like you described. This child not only needs a conversation but a really good consequence. No toys, no friends, no girls or boys for that matter around him. He also needs to be shown that this behavior will put him in jail the big house. Yes he is young, gotya, but what the difference from him being young and acting old. Sometimes reality has to come into play. If he not young enough to do it then what makes him to young to hear about it. Yes you definitly had every right letting him know what is up. In due time you will get a strong unwanted buried disliking of the child alltogether if this continues. Your son should be in top authority with this. As the man of the house he really needs to be involed with this as much as possible. He cannot let this ride out. The boy will have a girl pregnant in no time when he hits that age which could be at 10yrs old. Could you imagine. I do not think it is okay at all that she has let it override this long. Clearly it is time to step in and as a concerned voice in what is going on be sure to show your son and his wife that it will not be accepted. Even if you are visiting and have to go as far as proof. You gotta do what you gotta do. I am in a similar situation as well as the others. Think about how people are out there with this issue. This behavior is one of the most ridiculous to put up with. It is not time for them to experiment with it and with every voice letting them know it's not then they will soon get the picture. Sometimes we do have to scare the child in the right direction. The world is to free today that a 5yr old is a 8yr old and a 10yr old is a 14yr old. Catch them earlyyy!! The behavior is not okay.
i recently let my best friends son come over and play he is 2 weeks older then my dauhter which tured 3 in september. they have been best friend since they were 1. i went upstairs to check on them and found my daughter laying on floor with her panties down around her ankles and hi laying down on her peepee.i sent him home right away. i talke to my daughter and she told me he was licking her peepee and put a toy on her peepee. i asked her to show me what toy and it was a barbies arm. i dont believe it went inside her because the upper part of her was just red and wet. i explained to her that noone is allwoed to touch her peepee but mommy..shes as smart as a whip so im sure she got it.i called my friend and told her she talked with her son and she said he told her that my dauhter told him to do it. when i questioned her she seemed to be oblivious to what had happened like she had allready forgot about it. i am a single mother and have been since i was 3 months prenant, no one has ever even watch my child but me (and i work at her preschool) my dauhter has never been exposed to anything sexual i belive it was her sons idea..it seems to bother me more then my daughter i feel disturbed and cant seem to shake what i saw, it keeps replaying over and over ion my head. I feel like my daughter innocence has been taken and what worse is it doesnt seem to bother my friend at all.
Just discovered that my 11 year old has been secretly watching lesbian movies on Youtube. She was shatterred that I discovered it. She cried and said should did not want me to tell anybody especially her mother. She promised not to view them again. I am not sure what to make of it.
For all of you with postings of issues regarding your children: I urge you to seek psychiatric help. Trust your gut judgment. I can't begin to tell you of the strengths in seeing the right psychiatrist for both the child and the parent. For the step-Mom who posted - seek Dad's help in this - get this son to a doctor. For Lily, if the 'acting out' is harm to the younger child, the psychiatrist has a duty to report it. This will result in an investigation of involved parties and actions, if any, will be taken.
Some of the behaviours above are normal, and some of them are questionable, and maybe a referral made to a social welfare or questions sought of the parents.
However, Pam - this is perfectly normal behaviour, I was never abused, but started becoming sexual aware and curious starting at the age of eight. Do not worry yourself, just because your daughter is experimenting it does not mean she has been abused. She's just exploring what comes naturally as we grown up into becoming women. If the behaviour is in anyway abusive, violent etc then it may be a problem.
Am I over reacting? This past summer, I observed a 5 yr old boy playing with barbie and ken type dolls. He was having each doll kiss the other doll on the mouth, breast and genital area. I immediately took the dolls away from him, told him we didn't play like that, that wasn't nice. told him to go downstairs to his mom. He got mad, and threw a toy across the room. I swatted his behind, made him pick up the toy and still go downstairs to his mom. I alerted his mom to what had happened and suggested she monitor his behavior better. I also alerted the owner of the house as they are related and she was raising granddaughters who had been molested. I suggested strongly that he not be allowed to play with the girls unsupervised.
The boy is now 6 yrs old, and a few weeks ago, he was caught in bed, under the covers, dry humping his six year old cousin.(one of the grand daughters mentioned earlier). At first Mom didn't want to tell me what had happened, but I walked in on the tail end, so I knew something was going on and got her to tell me what. I stepped in and gave a very firm lecture to the boy, and as Im not really anything to the girls, I questioned the young girl where she learned that behavior, her immediate response was " my mother and my sisters" I talked to the girls about no one having the right to touch them or do things like that to them, and if someone did they were to tell an adult immediately. I also told them if mom or grandma wouldn't listen and do something about it or tried to brush it off to go to a teacher or even me and I would try to get them some help. the girls, though they seem to know no one has the right to touch them, were very nonchalant about the fact that they had been moslested by a grown man, or the fact that the youngest had been with another boy her age, a few weeks earlier, and then Mom of the boy tells me the oldest girl age 11, had made a 5 year old kiss her down there when she was only 7.
I gave a stern talk to the little boy,(i am his step grandmother)and told him, we didn't do those things, play that way, and I had best not catch or him of him doing those things again. That was stuff only adults that were married done. I also told his mom, I had best not find the children playing together again unsupervised. I went straight to my son and told him what had happened. He has forbidden her to babysit the girls again. The kids are not allowed to play together anymore. I still think this boy is acting out with dolls, as he quickly hides his action figures when I come into the room. He doesn't think I notice.
He is abusive to other children physically, has been known to cuss adults supervising him on the bus, is currently in his second year of kindergarten, is very friendly to people his mother met at work, he refers to totally unrelated people as aunt or uncle so and so,yet very standoffish with my son (his step father and myself).
We have had his hearing checked several times, the doctor says it is fine, yet even his mother has to raise her voice to get him to respond verbablly to her, most times he goes on as if he doesn't hear you.
I am very concerned for my granddaughter just an infant growing up in this house.
I don't want her to be abused and am fearful that this behavior is not being taken seriously enough. Matter of fact, I have been told, I had no right to talk to the girls, or to lecture the boy, that this is normal behavior amongst children and I am making too big a deal out of it. Right now, there are plenty people mad at me over this.
I'm beyond stumped. I just found out that my two sons are engaging is some very questionable behaviour. My 5 y.o just advised me that his older brother (11) makes him kiss his bum??!! the older sibling will lower his pants for his younger brother to do so, and sometimes fart in his face, what the hell do i do???? who do i turn to??? do i report my own child????
This is an excellent article and very helpful. It contains the information I was looking for to address an issue that has developed with my son at school.
I laugh at the list. They should get to know some of the children from my neighborhood(s). They didnt need to be sexually abused to do a lot of the things on the list. some were exposed to porn and others? just other kids. Youll be shocked at some children. oh, and alot was started by early masturbation )4,5..3..6..years old. but thats actually kinda common.Those kids were SO "bad"..lol.
I am the step-mother of a 10 year old boy. From the age of 4 he has had sexual "issues". I'm not really sure if these are issues I should be concerned with or if this is normal behavior. At the age of 4 he was found looking at Playboy magazines. He was found in his bio moms underwear and last summer he had my underwear hidden beneath his pillow. Also last summer he was masterbating in front of not only me, but while he was sitting next to his friend on the sofa. When told to stop his reply was "I just want to pop it".
This year not only has he down-loaded porn on my computer, he also stole his dad's porn (trust me, these were "suprise free gifts" with some "vitamins" his dad ordered online).
He also admits to listening to his dad and I have sex, I caught him once doing this.
I am afraid I might be overreacting, but my gut tells me I am not. This is causing huge issues between my husband and I. He see's these behaviours as normal, I see them as abnormal and as red flags. I feel it is up to us to seek out professional attention for our son, to prevent any future issues. He is on a waiting list to see a child psychologist.
He also has issues with stealing, lying, manipulative behaviour, the list goes on and on.
Sincerely,
Norma
I found my daughter lying beneath her friend (who is a girl)and their lips were locked like two adults. I am dumb founded. My daughter also has been known to masterbate, sometimes several times in a week. She is only eight years old and I am worried about these sexual acts. Could she have been abused? How do I explain that acts with other children are inappropriate? Should I seek counceling for her? Do I tell her friend's mother what they were doing?
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