SelfhelpMagazine

by Susan Bodnar, Ph.D.

In New York City yesterday, Rosa, age seven, skipped across the school playground. Wispy clouds stretched across the bright blue sky. She grabbed the hand of a friend and they began to jump in unison, laughing.

The unmistakable scent of smoke and fire loitered in the air from an accident almost six miles away. "Of course I am thinking about what happened," she said later. "Its just that - - -" Go on, I urged her. She continued "there are a lot of psychologists in our school right now. But what I really wish most special of all is that I could talk to and spend time with my parents."

Research has shown that relationships are the single most important factor in recovery from trauma. When life has been inexorably altered the pain is not metabolized in a conversation. People heal with people they know. Family strength is the single most important factor in recovery.

If you lost a family member in the World Trade Center or the Pentagon, there are no words. Instead you must cry your tears like rivers running through the currents of our nation. Your loss is unusually tragic. Your loved one is innocent of all crimes, free from ill health and pure of spirit. Your anger will rise in you when you least expect it - buying groceries, driving to work, listening to the neighbor's barking dog.

These will be the days of tears and nights of rage: these are the days when you absolutely must reach out to your community. And if you don't have one - create one. Go to your place of worship, or the leader of your faith. Call your friends. Talk to your children's schools.

If you are having difficulty, speak to a psychologist or other therapist who specifically says that he or she can help you connect to your own living world. Your life right now is your only salvation. It is all you have.

If you have children, and lost a spouse, you are the only person who matters in your child's life. They need you. Get back to a normal routine as soon as possible. Fill the silences with tears, hugs, and shared anger. Don't shirk from going through this together.

Grieve together and talk about it. Or sometimes, just don't. Take a boat ride. Don't wait for answers from God or anyone else. There are none. Time is your best friend. It will get better.

If you didn't directly lose someone in this tragedy, you might feel as though you aren't entitled to the pain you feel. Your children might prefer to act as if this never happened. Wrong. You are entitled to feel shock, panic, sadness, and loss. It really did happen. This is your community, your country and world. 5,000 losses are a lot of people. Your job as a parent is to take charge.

Absolutely insist that everyone in your family start living your ordinary life. At the same time you have to build in strategies to contain, hold, and love each other. A new reality has arrived. You have a precious responsibility to find ways to help you and your children adjust.

Maybe you are worried about how to speak to your children. Whether it is a personal or a community loss that you face, the answer is very straightforward. Be truthful. Be simple. Follow your child's lead. Don't tell more than they want to know. Be aware of disguised questions. Recognize a child's attempts to talk.

Utilize books and news articles (stay away from Televised images of the crash site). Engage your child's intellect. Older children will become very preoccupied with questions of meaning. Guide this child. Inquire together. Don't leave your child to process this alone. Make it a journey that you take together.

1. Spend Time with each other. Turn off the TV. Go for walks. Play. Take a weekend vacation. Hike in the woods. Go to the beach on a chilly fall day. Hug each other. Be physical. Play a sport together.
2. Listen. Pay very close attention to your spouse and children. Hear what they say with their behavior. Don't wait for words. They may never come. If they do, stop what you are doing and make time to hear. You might not get another chance.
3. Learn. Attend lectures. Find out about the history of Afghanistan and the Taliban. Read newspaper articles and books. A very large event has happened in this country and you must inform yourselves so you can make good decisions about your family's future. Include your kids in your education. Talk about what you learn over the dinner table.
4. Make adult opportunities for informal interaction. Go out with your friends. Get together a group of adults for a game of miniature golf, or bowling. Attend your houses of worship. Volunteer. Find ways to share your adult reactions with other adults.
5. Make child opportunities for informal interaction. Arrange play dates. Go to the playgrounds. Support your child's school activities. Encourage their friendships. They need to share the child's view of this with other children.
6. Support civic organizations. You may have already made a donation of money or supplies to your local firemen or other rescue workers. Keep up the relationship. Go for a visit in a month or two. Do a charitable project together. Have a yard sale and donate the proceeds to victims of the tragedy.
7. Enjoy aesthetic experiences. Listen to music. Play instruments. Paint. Sculpt. Go to concerts and plays. Visit museums. Artistic expression of all kinds can be very healing.
8. Spend time in nature. Go to the parks and have a picnic. Take up kayaking. Climb a mountain. Go bird watching. Collect stones. Appreciate the power of our natural world.
9. Create memorials. Plant a family garden in memory of the victims. Participate in communal expressions of loss and grief. Make a book with your child that tells the story of the crash. Make a collage about what your family was doing the day of the crash. Take pictures of each other. Frame them. Write the names down of people in your community or neighborhood who died and frame them.

   If you lost a loved one, honor them with your memories. Soon they will become so much a part of you that they will live through you. You will become their living memorial, owning bits and pieces of them that are now you, and walking forward into the rest of life.

10. Your family comes first. Your children, loved ones and parents have top priority. Support each other. Care about each other. Make sure that everybody gets through this. Don't let anybody go. Your family contains the hope of our nation's future.

About the Author:

Susan Bodnar, Ph.D. is a New York City clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst with anthropological training. She has collaborated with groups that have experienced trauma to support the development of care-taking initiatives within their own communities. She is now in private practice.