Self-help Articles

by Robert Elias Najemy

You may see someone you know in Anthony ­- perhaps even yourself. He has a changing role as parent, savior and teacher. Anthony primarily plays the role of "the savior."

He feels responsible for just about everyone's reality. He believes he must rescue them and keep them well and happy.

He feels he has failed in his "role," and cannot rest, as long as someone he feels responsible for is not well and happy. Others easily use or control him by making him feel responsible for the fact that they are not well or happy.

When he is with others, he has difficulty identifying his own needs. In this role "others' needs are more important than his." He avoids expressing needs that would prevent others from getting what they want.

Playing the savior often causes him to become the "victim" of those he is trying to "save." He is so preoccupied with other people's problems that he seldom recognizes or confesses his own.

His family, however, complains that he gives more time to solving other people's problems than theirs. He does care about his family, but receives greater satisfaction of recognition and self-worth from solving others' problems.

He often feels used, tired and resentful that he spends so much time on others while they rarely reciprocate. He worries about others and becomes stressed about their situations and difficulties. He advises them and he tries to control them, exerting pressure on them (for "their own good," or to "prevent them making a mistake" and thus possibly ruining his "results").

He criticizes and rejects others when they make mistakes or when they do not follow his directions or orders. He gives advice even to those who do not ask for it and feels disappointed when they do not follow it. He attracts to himself people with problems and rejects himself for not being able to "save" them.

He finds it difficult to confess or express his weaknesses, needs, fears or his own problems. He fears, that in doing so, others will see his faults and lose respect for him. As a child, he was programmed to believe he was responsible for his siblings, a role his mother had also played.

Some beliefs that engage him in his changing role are:

1. I am responsible for others' reality.
2. Without me, others cannot progress -- cannot be well.
3. It's my fault if others are not well.
4. If I am not able to create a perfect reality for them, I have failed in my role and am not worthy.
5. If others are not happy with me, I have failed and I am not worthy.
6. If others do not trust me, I am not worthy.
7. If others do not listen to me, do not obey me, do not follow my advice, I am incapable in this role and I am unworthy.
8. If I am no good in my role, I will not be respected and will be unworthy of their esteem. I will end up alone and will be in danger.
9. If I am not in control of things around me, anything can go wrong. I cannot trust others. If I am not in control, I am in danger.
10. If I show weakness or need, or if I have vices, I am in danger because:
a. I will be rejected, unwanted, and in danger.
b. My weaknesses will be used as a means to hurt me.
11. I am worthy only if I am in the position of authority, i.e. teacher, savior, parent. Only then can I feel safe and secure.
12. If I am needed (as a teacher, parent, savior), I will not be abandoned. I will not be alone.

Some beliefs which can free him from this role:

1. We are all 100% responsible for our own reality.
2. We are all guided from within.
3. The others are totally responsible for the reality they create.
4. My self-worth is totally independent of what is happening with others.
5. My self-worth is independent of other people's ability to trust me or not.
6. I am responsible only for my efforts and not for the results of my efforts.
7. I deserve love and respect exactly as I am.
8. I trust others and the Divine.
9. I feel united with others when I share my weaknesses and faults with them.
10. I am worthy of love and respect because of my being, not because of any role I play.

Those around Anthony can:

1. Understand that he is seeking his self-worth and inner security by playing this role.
2. Take responsibility for their own reality.
3. Lovingly refuse to allow him to overwhelm them and take control of their own lives.
4. Lovingly assert their need to take responsibility for their own decisions and accept the consequences of those decisions.

Anthony has a changing role of parent, teacher savior and super-responsible. To alleviate his feelings of resentment and rejection, he can build a new, healthier belief system. Those around him can assist in his transformation.

About the Author:

Robert Elias Najemy is the author of over 600 articles, 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony and 20 books, which have sold over 95,000 copies. He is the founder and director of the Center for Harmonious Living in Greece with 3700 members. His latest book The Psychology of Happiness can be ordered through this site by clicking here.