Self-help Articles

by Carolyn Bates

Are you the caregiver to someone with a friend or relative diagnosed with a serious, debilitating medical issue? Whether its cancer, heart disease, a muscle dysfunction or even mental illness, “How do we support them while they are dealing with treatments and physical incapacitation?” Use your good instincts; listen to your heart and to the patient for guidance.

1.) Treat the patient as the person they were before their diagnosis. Don’t buy them books on “beating cancer” or on how to lift their spirits. Instead give them a book or gift that has to do with something they were interested in before they became sick. Example: if a man was interested in hunting, give him a book or DVD on hunting. You might think this would make him depressed, if he wasn’t now able to hunt, but, actually, it might bring up some good memories and offer topics for fun conversation. Think outside the box, what is something you could do, to take their mind off of what they are dealing with.

2.) Try to keep the patient’s life in the routine they have always had. The more you keep their schedule “normal”, the easier it will be to keep their emotions in check. If they played bridge once a week or went to a book club meeting once a month, try to get them there, even if they just sit and visit. If they played golf regularly, then maybe they could ride the last part of the course in the cart and have lunch or a drink at the end. Life doesn’t have to stop just because you have a hurdle to jump! Staying socialized, being with friends and family is powerful medication.

3.) Don’t constantly ask them “how do you feel?” Long term, consistent communication is necessary. Lots of people might call at first, but it’s the people who keep in touch for months and years that really matter. Be responsible for your part of the relationship. Silence is the worst. Even a simple “I’m thinking about you” is great. Concern is one thing; overkill is another. They don’t want to always talk about their physical challenge. Don’t use war metaphors, like “keep up the good fight” or “you’re going to win this battle”. Their disease or affliction isn’t something they chose, so you don’t want them to feel like they are a failure if they aren’t getting better. Yes, you want to be encouraging and let them know that no matter what happens you are there for them.

4.) Organizing family and friends to do some errands and drive to treatments or therapy is a great way to relieve some of the family stress. Also, it gives the patient a variety of people to talk to. Make sure everyone knows the basic communication rules. Try to laugh. Don’t talk about the disease or problem unless the patient brings it up. It’s okay to sit in silence. A simple smile or change of topic can go a long way. Also, the touch of your hand or a hug, without saying anything can be wonderful.

5.) Don’t talk about other people’s “horror stories”. Remember when you were pregnant and other women wanted to tell you every detail about their delivery? Forget it!!! This is their journey. The patient and everyone one around them needs to just take one day at a time. Don’t look too far out into the future or try to make any predictions. No one really knows the power of the human body to heal itself. All anyone can do is to mentally and physically work at only adding positive days.

6.) In the most difficult situations, the patient really wants to know that someone is going to take over their responsibilities. That life will go on and that they don’t have to worry about the duties they have always had. For instance, one of my clients was a young mother who was dealing with cancer. Even though she knew that her children would be taken care of, it was so comforting for her close friends to tell her that they would be there for her daughters – not to take her place, but to be “extended aunts” as they grew up.

7.) This is a great time for close family and friends to heal any ongoing relationship wounds, problems, separations or estrangements. No matter what the outcome, an attempt at good communication and healing is helpful to reduce any long term, persistent stress. Everyone can take this opportunity to get their priorities straight and in alignment. I know you’ve heard the saying “What would you have wanted to do if you died today?” 8.) Allow the patient some “down time”. Not always staying active is a good thing and, actually, being alone and quiet can be strength building. Let the patient decide for themselves what they want to do and who they want to be with.

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About the Author:

Carolyn Bates is the principle life coach and owner of Coaching Life Design, which specializes in successful life transitions and retirement for those 50 plus years of age. She is an International Coach Federation (ICF) Certified Personal Life Coach, author of eight books, focusing on the challenges of growing older, changing careers, choosing how and where to retire, health issues of aging, caregiving, elderly parents, adult children, divorce after 50 and death. For more information, please visit her website at www.coachinglifedesign.com