SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

It sounds like you and your current husband met and fell in love while you were still in the process of divorcing your last husband. In other words, there was no time delay between your marriage and your new relationship.

Often by not allowing for much time between ending one relationship and beginning a new one, our judgment and perceptions are colored by our emotions and the circumstances surrounding the separation. When you are unhappy in a marriage, a new lover is like a breath of fresh air.

More often than not the new relationship is based on having fun and playing. The sex is usually great, because we are looking for some excitement and feel free from the pain of the old relationship. The only thing that's important is the present; the future is not important.

However, once the dust settles, and the glamor fades, it is time to settle into the nuts and bolts of a committed relationship. At this time, our expectations change. We want more stability, we want to know "where the relationship is going," and we want more than just good sex and fun.

The Process Of Building Relationships

If both people are on the same page, they can gracefully move into a more intimate relationship with eyes toward the future, rather than just the moment. If they are not on the same page, conflict can arise.

One person wants to make plans and the other is still living in the moment. One person wants more than just a good time and the other wants to continue playing.

It reminds me of how we feel when we go away for a weekend to a cabin in the mountains. It is so romantic and fun that we do not pay much attention to the drafty windows, the cracks in the walls or ceiling, and many other shortcomings. But when we think of buying the cabin, our expectations change.

All of those previously unnoticed aspects of the cabin seem to jump out at us. What was perfectly suitable and even charming as a romantic getaway no longer is acceptable as a more permanent home.

It seems that it may be time for you and your friend to have a heart to heart talk about your changing expectations. He may still want to play and expect you to participate. Or he may be seeing you as a "wife" and he treats "them" differently than he treats the "girlfriend."

You, on the other hand, may have different ideas about how men should treat women, whether they are wives or lovers. You may have different expectations of a man when you are thinking of a more permanent type of relationship.

If you can come to some agreement and develop expectations that you both can live with, then you will be building relationships. If, however, you end up recognizing that you have different expectations, it might be time to consider moving on.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.