SelfhelpMagazine

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Apparently your brother had a lot invested in this relationship. He views the break-up as a reflection of some personal flaw and believes that had he behaved differently with her, the break up would not have occurred.

So now he is obsessing about the outcome, believing that the responsibility for the break-up was totally his fault. Your brother cannot tolerate the thought that this girl was not as attracted to him as he was to her.

He wants to believe that he had more control over the situation and her feelings than is possible. Her reasons for rejecting him may have had little or nothing to do with anything he did or did not do. People's feelings change, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart, and even more particularly when one is young.

Broken Heart Leads To Extreme Behavior

You state that your brother's behavior is out of character. I assume that refers to the drinking, self-mutilation, and fighting. The magnitude and duration of your brother's reaction to the break-up leads me to wonder whether this event triggered a deeper, underlying issue that needs professional attention.

Self-mutilation is dangerous. People can do serious damage to themselves, especially when under the influence of alcohol.

I wonder whether this incident might have touched off some feelings of low self-esteem, powerlessness, or underlying depression. You might encourage him to seek out a consultation with a professional psychologist.

It is unfortunate that people have a bias against seeking a professional for their mental health concerns, while even professional athletes will seek a professional consultation for their physical health concerns. Just as one can wait too long to seek medical help, one can wait too long to seek psychological help.

The issue of trying to help someone help themselves, as you put it, is difficult. The short version is, no matter how much you want to help someone, unless they want to be helped there is little you can do other than be supportive, empathic, and understanding.

Sometimes you can give information. That's about it. A broken heart can be mended but your brother must take the first healing steps.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.