by Mark Gorkin, LICSW

The last installment of three articles closes out my seven styles of immature or debilitating anger. The previous two articles presented:

1. Plan to Get Even,
2. Consuming Anger,
3. Intellectual Intimidation,
4. Frequent Flasher, and
5. The Holy Smolder.

And now, last but not the least dysfunctional anger techniques:

Two Dysfunctional Anger Techniques The Last Of The Seven Self Defeating Styles Of Anger:

 
6. Silent or Tearful Impasse.
This style can range from the pouting to the spouting. Stony silence or aggressive detachment can be a potent weapon. Let's use the popular example of a certain TV watching habit: men's and women's contrasting styles and power struggles over the remote control. Hey, it's not just the male species having an extra, latent ADD chromosome. Focus on the name of the weapon. Dysfunctional anger, as much as deficit of attention, may fuel the desire to be REMOTE and in CONTROL.

There's another common misguided expression of anger; this time, unfortunately, women seem more susceptible. Instead of clear and direct anger, only tears burst forth. This individual, ironically, remains bottled up. She can't or doesn't know how to channel her aggression into emotion-laden and focused energy and words.

Guys, especially you overbearing and condescending Type As into "sarcasm", not all your targets are shedding tears of fear or simply expressing easily hurt feelings. Some of these women (and men, as well) are likely more shocked and incensed by your insensitivity or (clueless) cruelty. Reminds me of a new legal secretary who had been verbally abused for an oversight by a senior partner.

After tearfully regrouping in the bathroom, she stormed into Mr. Abuser's office and forcefully said, "I don't even let people talk to my dog that way. You sure aren't going to talk to me that way!" (I thought of a variation on a scheme. One could go back into the temper tantrum tyrant's office and start barking. When he wonders what is going on, just declare, "If you're going to treat me like a dog, I may as well start behaving like one! Also, don't pull rank. I may play 'the bitch,' but you are just a 'son of' one.'")

7. Passive Aggressive.
Chronic lateness, persistent procrastination or, "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess this is the third time this week that I forgot the report you asked for. Just had too many big projects on my plate." (Notice the subtle dig. And you wonder why dishes get thrown.)

And speaking of aggressive passivity, there's the bane of my existence...the "yes, butthead." I mean the chronic "yes, butter." But there's hope. Social psychology research suggests a potentially successful counter strategy. First, especially with emotional issues, resist trying to hit quickly your antagonist with contrary facts or logic.

Encourage the doubter to extol his or her position and to take your argument apart. Acknowledge the other's position before advancing your own. The reality is we don't just argue facts, but also the status and power aspects of a relationship. So, if we can allow people who say, "Yes, but" to rebut even if they are a pain in the... (Butt you know what I mean.) We just might get them to say, "But, yes."

A "yes, but" offshoot and an all too familiar power struggle comes to mind. I recall my friend Paul's classic comment to his wife Betsy: "I don't mind paying the bills. I just don't like it when you tell me to pay the bills." Well at least it's aggressively passive, with a narcissistic touch.

Ah...true love! On that note, how about an aggressively stylish close with a variation on "Tea for Two." Tenaci-Tea for Two: The Narcissist's Version: You for me and me for me. Oh how nurturing you will be. Forget "to be or not to be?" Just simply think of ME, ME, ME!

Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

The Four Faces of Anger

About the Author:

Mark Gorkin is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, speaker, trainer and "Online Psychohumorist," known throughout the web, AOL, and the nation as "The Stress Doc." Specialty areas: organizational change and conflict, team building, creativity and humor. 1616 18th Street, NW #312, Washington, DC 20009-2530, (202) 232-8662.