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Smart Advice For Relationship
That Is Rocky

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by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

 
Question: I need advice for relationship with my fiance. He has difficulty giving me compliments on my appearance. Lately he has begun to make rude, cutting remarks about my weight and physical attributes. I have directly asked him not to make such remarks repeatedly, but he shrugs my requests off and says he is only joking.

Last weekend he made a comment in front of his brother and sister-in-law and I lost my cool later when we were by ourselves. He finally realized how much he has been hurting me with his comments. He is torn up about it and has called me twice today to apologize. He even cried.

I am still very hurt and find it difficult to "get over it." I want him to hurt like I've hurt from his thoughtless remarks, but that's vindictive and not love at all.

I love my fiance with all my heart. He is genuinely a caring, loving person, but has issues over weight and appearance. Please help me with this bump in our relationship.

Your fiance's thoughtless comments have given you a great deal of pain. His continuous dismissal of your requests for him to stop increases your pain. It also gives you a moment to pause and think about whether such comments and "issues over weight and appearance" will resume as time goes on.

Merely saying that he has issues does not deal with them. Your weight and appearance may be more important to him than either one of you want to admit. Just because he may not mention it for a while, doesn't mean that the issue has faded.

In addition, you may be wondering whether there will be other times that he will dismiss your feelings with a comment that he was "only joking." It is understandable that you want him to hurt as much as he has hurt you. And it appears that you are succeeding.

By not forgiving him, you are making him suffer. However, this approach does not deal with the more important issues of his insensitivity of comments and his dismissal of your feelings.

Your difficulty forgiving him may well be your way of dealing with the internal conflict over his behavior and your desire to see him in a more positive light. Compliments are the easiest form of endearment, and he has difficulty giving them.

While you say he is genuinely sensitive and caring, his humiliating you, especially in front of others, suggest the contrary. Any one of the three issues (criticism, dismissal, and humiliation) would be sufficient to warrant hurt and questioning. My last bit of advice for relationship with your fiance is to sit down and talk over these issues carefully.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.

Originally published 3/5/98
Revised 1/19/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
 

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