Self-help Articles

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Your fiance's thoughtless comments have given you a great deal of pain. His continuous dismissal of your requests for him to stop increases your pain. It also gives you a moment to pause and think about whether such comments and "issues over weight and appearance" will resume as time goes on.

Merely saying that he has issues does not deal with them. Your weight and appearance may be more important to him than either one of you want to admit. Just because he may not mention it for a while, doesn't mean that the issue has faded.

In addition, you may be wondering whether there will be other times that he will dismiss your feelings with a comment that he was "only joking." It is understandable that you want him to hurt as much as he has hurt you. And it appears that you are succeeding.

By not forgiving him, you are making him suffer. However, this approach does not deal with the more important issues of his insensitivity of comments and his dismissal of your feelings.

Your difficulty forgiving him may well be your way of dealing with the internal conflict over his behavior and your desire to see him in a more positive light. Compliments are the easiest form of endearment, and he has difficulty giving them.

While you say he is genuinely sensitive and caring, his humiliating you, especially in front of others, suggest the contrary. Any one of the three issues (criticism, dismissal, and humiliation) would be sufficient to warrant hurt and questioning. My last bit of advice for relationship with your fiance is to sit down and talk over these issues carefully.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.