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Rules, Boundaries and Adult Children Part II: In Response to Questions about Adult Children Living at Home
by James Lehman, MSW
There has been overwhelming response and interest in last month’s article on adult children. It was viewed over 10,000 times, was our second most emailed article ever, and has received the most reader comments of any article we’ve ever published. I must say I’m not surprised about this, since in my private practice I dealt with many parents who had terrible problems with children who were over 18 and still living at home.
I believe this phenomenon has become a national problem. As the cost of living goes up, adult children who are not really prepared for the workforce have to make some sacrifices. Unfortunately today, kids don’t like making sacrifices and parents don’t want to enforce sacrifices.
A few notes before we begin. In this forum, I will not address individual cases or parents. The reason is that this forum is not counseling or therapy and should never be misconstrued as such. Rather, this is a place where I can offer you my personal opinion from 30 years of professional experience. What I will do here (and what I believe will be helpful for the most readers) is respond to the important themes that recurred within many of your responses.
This will be a long article, because I see so many issues that call for discussion. If you posted a question after Part One of “Rules, Boundaries and Older Children” last month, or if you are struggling with an adult child, I hope you’ll take the time to read my response to readers here, and that it will help you and your family.
For Readers Whose Adult Children are Verbally Abusing them and Destroying Property
The theme that stood out most is the tremendous amount of verbal abuse that adult children are laying on their parents. Along with verbal abuse and cursing, I saw many of you writing about destruction of property and your adult child’s refusal to communicate and respond.
This may sound harsh, but I think it’s amazing how people will make excuses for that type of behavior. It’s understandable that parents make excuses for younger kids who are abusive, hoping they’ll grow out of it. But I think once these kids are adolescents and adults, their behavior patterns are very set, and you need to know that adult children won’t take the time and trouble to learn new behavior patterns unless they’re forced to.
Adult children who use verbal abuse, aggression and destruction of property to deal with their parents are still using intimidation and force to solve complex problems. When you’re 18, 19, or 20 and all the things your parents told you are coming true—that you’re not prepared for the work force, that you should have studied harder, that you need to push yourself—it is easy to get resentful and blame and intimidate your parents. Because that’s easier than getting a job and working your way up.
That’s easier than learning how to live with a roommate because you can’t afford your own apartment and a car at the same time. One thing we know about human beings is that they will, by their nature, take the easy way out. In this case, the easy way out is being oppressive to your parents so that you don’t feel any stress.
I think that parents also have to take some of the responsibility for this behavior. In the last twenty years, so many parents did everything they could to ensure that their kids didn’t feel discomfort because letting your kids feel discomfort was considered a bad thing. I know because I’ve dealt with so many of these parents. They fought with the schools. They protected their kids from consequences.
In many cases they let things slide that they knew were wrong. They made excuses for the kids. And what they ended up with is a kid who is not prepared to deal with the injustice, stress and discomfort of life. Making a transition from adolescence to adulthood is very stressful, uncomfortable and difficult. It involves solving some very complex problems about how you’re going to live, where you’re going to live, who you’re going to live with, and what you’re going to do with your life.
Although many kids solve those problems in a non-destructive way, there is a sub-group of kids who still make it their parent’s problem and society’s problem and everybody else’s problem. If you’re dealing with one of these adult children, it will take all the strength and commitment you can muster to force this child to become independent.
I noticed in one of the responses that the parents thought I was telling them to throw their kids out. I am not saying that at all. But I am saying that your kids won’t change until you do something drastic. Making them leave the home is one of those things that may have to be done.
As a parent, I understand the difficulty, fear and anxiety of sending your child out into the world. But also as a parent, I know that the best personality characteristic that you can give a child is independence. The best knowledge you can give them is how to solve life’s problems.
If they’re still at home cursing at you, abusing you, not getting a job, sleeping until noon and playing video games all day, they are not independent and they are not solving life’s problems. There’s no gray area there. Parents have to be very strong in demanding that their kids start to face their situation in life before it gets worse.
Let’s be clear: from an adult child’s point of view, this is a great life. Somebody’s paying the rent, there’s food in the refrigerator, they get to party with their friends, they don’t have to be anywhere at any time. They get to avoid all stress, and if their parents give them a hard time, they bully them.
Nice life. If parents are willing to live that way, you don’t have to read any more of my articles. You’ve found the solution that works for you. But if you’re determined not to live that way, I’m here to tell you that you don’t have a lot of choices. You need to make a drastic change.
Here is my recommendation on what that drastic change looks like. Number one, you set some simple structure and some rules for your child. Rules like: You need to get up at a certain time. You need to go out and look for jobs. You can’t sit around and play video games all day.
Be specific. “I want you to put in three applications a day. I want you making three follow-up phone calls a day. And if you verbally abuse me, you’re out of the house for 24 hours.” You don’t care where they go. Let them go to their aunt’s house or their friend’s house. Let them figure out where they’ll stay. They’re out of the house for 24 hours.
I want to make a distinction here. What I just suggested is a consequence. It’s not preparation for life. If they’re verbally abusive a second time or destroy property, they’re out of the house for three days or a week. You don’t care where they go. They’ll tell you they’re partying at their friend’s house. Let them party.
All you know is that they can’t stay in your house. This is a consequence for disrespecting your home and your values. This is not a preparation for independence. (See the discussion below and in part two of my article on “Rules, Boundaries and Older Children”, which will be featured in Empowering Parents in a few weeks, for suggestions on how to prepare kids for independence.)
This is used strictly to get some control in your house. If you have adult children who are verbally abusing you and breaking things, your house is out of control. I don’t know how you can live there.
Use the police. Put his bags out on the sidewalk, call the cops and say, “He doesn’t live here anymore.” Don’t play games or you’re not going to own your own home.
I’ve worked with plenty of parents who had to do this. They were all afraid to do it. I understood that. They got into their situation because they were mortally afraid their kid would face discomfort. But when all other efforts failed, they had to call the cops to get the kid to change.
Let me be straight with you and offer you some empowerment. You’ve raised this kid. You’ve invested everything in him and now you have to tiptoe around the house? That is unacceptable.
To the parents who are willing to live this way, I tip my hat to you. But I personally could not live with that, and I’m not willing to.Kids learn best when parents use parenting roles such as teaching, problem-solving, limit setting.
On the other hand, parents who are martyrs and excuse-makers wind up with children who won’t and don’t know how to respond to the demands of young adult life. And nothing changes if nothing changes. For your sake and the sake of your child, demand change now.
About the Author:
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part II: In Response to Questions about Older Children Living at Home reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
My 29-year-old-son. Successful, handsome, smart, a college graduate, looks wonderful to the "outside" world. But to me? The Mom? Yikes. He is a verbal abuser. He has caused great emotional harm. He blames me; he blames his dad (we are divorced). He finds excuses that do sound logical for his cruelty. He seems to not "see" that he causes great pain.
About a year ago, he offered to drive me to a town about 150 miles away. For whatever reason, he got into a horrible black mood during the drive. We had stopped near a McDonald's to get something to drink. A woman, trying to put her baby in the car, dropped something - a round something that rolled out to another street. I asked him to stop the car (we had pulled away), saying I wanted to get the object for that young mother. "NO!" he snarled and sped away. Going down the highway in a torrential downpour, he was speeding and I was very afraid. I asked him to slow down; to pull into the slower lane. He was furious and drove even faster. I started to cry. He verbal onslaught began.
"You might think I am a bad person, Mom, but everyone else thinks I am great."
I thought, "sure they do. You keep this sort of anger for me. Others don't see this in you. You have chosen me, your mother, as your victim."
I prayed all the way down the freeway and we made it to our destination safely, thank goodness, but I was as ill as though I had actually been in a real accident.
Towards the end of our journey, where he stopped the car at his dad's house, he looked at me and said, "Let's just drop this, OK? I don't want to be mad at you. I don't want you to be mad at me."
I didn't answer. I went to a motel. I cried and cried.
He called. I told him, "I am not willing to talk to you. You need help. You need medication, something. But you don't get to do this again."
Eventually we were back on speaking terms. And, of course, the verbal abuse started again.
The thing with verbal abuse is that it isn't every second of every day: it comes out of nowhere. it is occassional; it happens when I least expect (or deserve) it and I know that I NEVER deserve it but honestly, sometimes I wonder, after the accusations from him (the divorce, other criticisms of me).
Why I am writing. Yesterday I drew the line. For good. There will be no more contact with this person. I love him. But I absolutely do not trust him. I am 62 years old. I do deserve to be happy. I do not deserve to be bashed, accused, found fault with, belittled, mocked, treated with such enormous disrespect.
I let him know to not contact me again.
My hope is that he will eventually seek help. That he will see he has a huge problem that only he can fix.
Until that day comes and he has actually made huge strides, I will tolerate no further communication - of any sort - from this person that I gave birth to; that I rocked and sang to; and all those lovely mother things that cause me to feel weak with pain due to the memories of that cherished little boy who is now a monster.
I am so grateful he is not married. All of his girlfriends have left him.
Will he ever GET IT?
Thanks for listening,
Ali
My wife and I disagreed from day one on how to discipline. Over the years all I get as an excuse is that I yelled and scared the kids(5 year difference). I can request a chore or favor once in a blue moon after CONSTANTLY giving these kids the best. Both got new cars. Both college educated; the youngest home now. The older one wanted to get married immediately after graduation. She got divorced two years later. LAnding on my doorstep. I asked that she was given a 2nd chance to do the right thing this time. She did the stay out all night sleep until afternoon and not get a job just go to the singles websites. got nasty when I question her intentions. She has since repeated the error but not married but back home at 27. At this time the 22 YO graduates comes home sleeps til aternoon and just tells me he is entitled to the same things his siter got. I told him that his JOB was to find a job. four years of college no loans. I paid with money I sweat my ass off for. He refuses to listen. All job leads are lame. Now he got a job that his high school drop out friend recommended. 25000 and long hours no OT. All through his 4 years of college I asked if he wsas OK staying. If I asked about internships I was always told none available. My wife said by me asking I was stressing him out and it affected his ego. He just about got out with a 2.5 GPA always out at night NOT studying as he should have been. I know partying is part of it but when I asked all I was told was "I'm finestop asking". The weekend he graduated I met lots of his friends. Many already had jobs lined up. I asked how and I was told that they had been interning for two years. The same internships my son said were not available through his college. When I asked him again as they were in the same degree program, he said he needed to have some fun time as school was running him down. All I heard from his friends was what a good partier he is. I'm at the end of my rope. My wife and I had two years of empty nest and it was beautiful. Trips, dinners, outings we did it all. Now they are running up my bills that my credit rating just dropped for the first time in 25 years. I am at the end of my rope. She is a good woman but BLIND to her children's faults even when friends and family point them out to her.
This article is talking about my situation to a T. My son is 21 and he is not using all his time and resources to find work. He looks for work but he is not zealous about it. I told him his job is to find a job and that he should get up every day and make looking for work a full-time job. I know he lays around my house when I'm at work at least until noon if he does not have an appt to put in applications. He also goes over to his friend's house to play video games.
When I put pressure on him he steps up his efforts to look for work, but if I don't do that he start slacking. I know he smokes weeds and that make him (in my opinion) very lazy and unproductive. When I bring that up, he gets angry and becomes verbally abuses. If I really mention something he doesn't like he because very nasty, and starts cursing. One situation he say 'F you' okay 'F you' and gave me the finger. That's when I said, that's it he's got to go. I put him out my house permanently that night and change the locks.
I was like if you can stoop so low as to curse your own mother out, your own mother - then you got to exit my life completely. He was spoiled my his grandparents and yes, I've tried to make things 'easier' for him when he was younger, that was the wrong move. Nothing good ever comes from spoiling a child, because they turn into self-entitled, abusive, can't think on their feet, always blaming somebody, never taking responsible adults.
My adult daughter is harassing and abusing me, she is trying to and has succeeded in her abuse and harassment, her lies, scheming, filing false charges against me with the RCMP saying I broke into her home, I can prove where I was at the time of the alleged break in - I had a heart attack two weeks ago when she decided to charge me with child abuse because I couldnt babysit for her when she came barging into my house demanding that I babysit - when I said I couldnt she phoned the police and laid a charge of child abuse against me. She wont stop harassing me or trying to trigger another heart attack, she has been told I have to avoid stress but she has tripled her attacks on me since hearing I could have another heart attack from stress and trauma - she clearly intends to kill me, I have removed her as a benificiary on my life insurance and have disinherited her, if she does kill me she wont get one cent of my life insurance of money because this is what she is after I was arrested tonight on more bogus charges, and lies that she has told the police - there is no stopping her. I have never ever had trouble with the police before, nothing on any record about me until she stopped and the police are helping her to harass me and kill me
My son is 23 and has been in and out of trouble and jail since he was 12 I have been at the end of my rope for years He is always been verbally abusive to me and has damaged my home and stolen from me for years I have always bailed him out thinking he was going to change I am at the end know he only is nice till it does not suit him nomore I have no idea what to think or feel anymore I feel so alone with this topic no one knows and I have know one to talk to when do u just say go that enough is enough he has did nothing but steal hurt lie damage almost everything I have had he cant keep a job he would rather deal drugs steal or rob people right know he has 3 warrents out for him I have had him in councelling I have did everthing I could I am sick and tired of him draining this family when is it ok to say enough is enough and it is time to keep him out of our lives
My son is 23 and has been using pot for years. Since he was a teenager. He says it helps with his anxiety and he doesn't have any plans on quitting. He wants to come out to see us, we are several states away, but wants us to pay for his ticket. He works full-time and and pays he's rent, however there have been 3 times in a year that he has asked for help.
I have a 24 year old who is married and husband cant keep a job 3 years ago they got kicked out of where they were living and of course it was at the moment we had purchased a home and were almost done renovating and fixing the inside and we were living in my mother in laws home at which she does not live at with us but lives with her boyfriend but she is ready to come back and I am ready to move out to my place I personally worked hard on renovating..they feel we do not deserve the home because we had help from his mother,(my husbands mother,which is her grandmother) to get the home in the first place and she feels she does not have to move out now that she has been there almost 3 years.She made threats to us when I told her to move out.Now what lawfully can we do to get her out of the house.The husband of course is hiding in the background telling her what to say.Also my husbands mother,she wants us out but does not like me because my husband put my name on the deed also and so she told him he better not make them move out.Well she wants us out and trys to put a road block up by saying better not kick them out.Seems a bit ignorant.A lot of resentment and bitterness towards us me mostly and all we did was let them stay for free and left the electricity on also in my husbands name for them to move right on in.Ungrateful is not the word here.
This article is a life saver! My son is 18 ,comes and goes as he pleases,gets in trouble with the law.....doesn't work and barely does anything around our home! He is verally abusive and destroyes personal property if he isn't getting his way or we complain about certian behaviours of his like cussing in front of my 6 yearold. I never kicked him out because I felt responsible for his wellbeing and I thought I would be a bad parrent by kicking him out..and a little guilty wondering where he would go,but I am at the end of my rope! Thanks for letting me know "it's okay to make your adult children leave your home when they are not respecting you or your property"
5 months ago, we had a situtation with my 27 year old daughter. Her and her 6 yr old son had been living with us. We had to walk on crackers in our own home. Things came to a head, when we came home, found her drunk and our house trashed. She attacked us. We had to call the police and have her arrested. It has been very difficult for us to wrap our mind around this event. My older son who lives in another state, and who has been out of the home for 10yrs. Got involved in this. My husband and I feel sorry that we ever had children. However, for the first time in a very long time there is peace in our home. We wished the relationship with our children would have been different and aren't sure if it ever can be.
Thank you, thank you. Our son is 20, sitting in jail and finally I get it. He chose to be there and he has to figure out how to get out and stay out. He is done abusing us, stealing from us and blaming us. Thank you.
Dr. Lehman,
I have read through a couple of the self help pages and have not hit on the troubles I have been having. Mine seemed to be layered by degrees.
Recently my daughter,who is 22, has agreed to allow me to live with her for 9 months whilst I attempted to get on my feet after a lay off. Truth is, finding work in my field has been impossible and turning to "subordinate" work, well beneath my education has been difficult (either over qualified or simply not making the cut) or the entire process becomes thoroughly embarassing. Nonetheless, whilst living with my daughter for those 9 months I did agree to watch her toddler (my granddaughter) however not to pay rent. I however continued to carry my daughter's car insurance on my policy and to carry her phone costs on my Tmobile contract.
In short, at the end of the 9 months she was resentful and bitter beyond my imaginings.