Self-help Articles

Anonymous

If your partner began your relationship as Prince Charming but now seems more like Jeckyll and Hyde, then read on for more about abusive men.

Maybe they just "clicked" when they first laid eyes on each other, ignoring everyone else at the party for the remainder of the evening. Maybe after their first date she went home on the highest of natural highs. Maybe they knew "everything" about each other in the first two weeks.

Maybe the way he showed up everyday made her feel special, rather than waiting five days to see if he would call again. Maybe he told her he loved her after 3 weeks. Maybe she believed him. Maybe she so wanted to believe it was true that she told that gut feeling of "a bit premature isn't it?" to take a hike.

However it began, before long they were inseparable and she was the envy of all her friends, but somehow a few months later she had less friends than the una-bomber. Sounding familiar at all?

Then ask yourself if any of the following scenarios ring a bell, because if they do, it's a warning bell that the honeymoon is over.

Common Scenarios Used by Abusive Men:

• He shows up just as you're about to leave on a girls' night out and says if you go then he's breaking up with you.
• You get dressed up to see him and he wonders aloud who are you dressing to impress after you see him.
• You say hello to a man on the apartment block you live in and later he gives you the third degree over who this man is.
• He decides he has a problem with the image you had when you met, suggesting a longer skirt, natural hair color.
• He says you have to choose between remaining friends with male friends from when you were a kid and going out with him.
• He beats your door down at 3 in the morning calling you a list of obscenities.
• He is the sweetest and most apologetic guy you have ever known the next day. Every time. It was the old Jack Daniels he says. How can you resist that smile? He loves you.
• He confides in you about past violence but still justifies it.
• If you say you're leaving him, he says he'll kill himself.
• He seems so convinced that it is you who is not treating him right that after a while you start to wonder if he's right.
• You never know when something seemingly harmless you say may trigger his suspicion or anger.
• You find yourself adjusting your life, censoring your recounting of experiences to try to offset the arguments. It doesn't work.
• The way he shows up everyday is not exactly making you feel special anymore.

How many changes have you made for him versus how many has he made for you?

Ever thought to yourself, why don't those women whose partners abuse them just leave? People can stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because of emotional manipulation, especially emotional blackmail.

These are things most people can identify with as having experienced in some form or another. In the above case the behavior changes in him started gradually, subtly and only after she was convinced he was Mr. Right.

So she set a date, did not let him know her plans, and decided that if he hasn't changed by then he never will. She used the time preceding that date to prepare herself for the fact that love just isn't enough with abusive men.

(PS: while she took a couple of years to "get over" him, it was not long before he was engaged in a repeat performance with someone else.)

Reference
Women Who Love Too Much - When you keep wishing and hoping he'll change. Robin Norwood, Arrow Books Limited, 1986 Self-Sabotage - How to stop it and soar to success. Martha Baldwin, MSSW, Warner Books, 1987

Articles, though factually based, are opinion pieces.