Self-help Articles

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

From your description it sound like your husband, the "doctor," believes that he is entitled to the same type of authority that he may have in the hospital where he can bark orders to the nurses and attendants, with the expectation that they will follow his orders. I have heard similar stories from other women married to physicians.

The power given to the emergency room physician within the hospital environment tends to go to their head with the belief that they should be able to wield the same type of authority at home. They try to run their homes in the same manner as they run the operating room and expect the same response.

A wife is treated in the same manner as they would treat a nurse. In his mind she is there to serve him. When this occupational style of thinking combines with the sexist attitudes embedded in chauvinistic beliefs, the combination can be deadly. It becomes an abuse of power.

Apparently your husband's idea of marriage is based on a master-slave model, rather than a relationship among equals. So long as you are intimidated by him and try either to appease him or capitulate to his demands, there will be no reason for him to change.

Change Approach Towards Abusive Husband

The approach you may have backed into in your attempt to "make things work" may inadvertently be reinforcing the behavior you wish to eliminate. A different approach might be for you focus more on becoming the woman that you used to be or would like to become.

You have a responsibility to be a model for your children of how a strong, independent woman with high self-esteem deals with a bully. To the extent that you cave in under his demands, you demonstrate to your children that men can get away with bullying women and that women are expected to submit to a man's demands.

In the long run, not only will you lose your self-respect and your husband's respect, but that of your children as well. It is too great a price for a transitory peace at best.

I suggest that you consider getting some professional help with your marriage, though I am not optimistic about your husband's willingness to participate. Regardless, however, you might consider help for yourself to regain your self-esteem and receive some support for standing up to your husband.

A word of caution: your husband's slapping and grabbing of your arm may lead to something more, especially if you become more assertive. As I have said, the interaction you describe is about power. As you become more confident and assertive, it would not be uncommon for your abusive husband to resort to even more physical measures of control.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.