SelfhelpMagazine

by Cathy S.

I know that abuse stories abound but this is my story of how I am healing from sexual abuse. It started when my friend and I made a plan to lose our virginity with a 45 year-old "friend" who agreed to "help" us.

She and I ditched school one day, and met him at his house. He called in to each of our school's posing as a parent to say we were sick.

Then he gave each of us a drink, a screwdriver, to help mellow us out. Then we all three went upstairs. He was very gentle with both of us. But when he wanted us to hang around for some more we left.

I remember quite vividly going across the street to the recreation center and lying on the grass with my friend. At that point I had a sense of accomplishment, a feeling that everything had changed. And, it had.

I found it difficult to go hang out at his house with my friends now, but I did so occasionally. He kept asking us to come back and have some more fun with him. My friend and I refused.

I couldn't understand. He had helped us with our problem, it was solved, we didn't want to have sex with him again. So I stopped going there completely.

It all went to hell when he called me at home one day and offered me money to have sex with him again. He had said I was so special, and now he wanted me to act like a whore.

From that moment on I lived in fear of seeing him again. I would have dreams where I would be some place mundane, and he would walk up to me and offer me money for sex. It was horrible.

I escaped as best I could into drugs, alcohol, other guys. But, I never had sex with them. I learned my chief defense with guys was a blow job. Many of them were adults while I was still a kid.

As the years went by the fears and dreams retreated. But the damage remained. I was quite convinced that I was "damaged goods." I was not worthy of anyone's love.

Abuse Stories Repeating in my Mind

So, I continued to hide in my addictions while recreating the scenario again and again. Always with disastrous results. Maybe I was trying to do it again and do it right? Boy, that is twisted logic.

Always with consenting adults by this time, of course, but not real clear thinking going on. Even after I got sober I was still trying to find this perfect relationship were I would be loved, in the most inappropriate ways.

My sponsor and I and her husband, got involved. We were sure we could be happy together, and damn the world if they didn't like the lifestyle we chose. It ended not too well.

And as a consequence I lost a whole circle of friends. I chose to leave the relationship and never see them again. I thought this would be best for all and it turned out it was.

I finally realized that sobriety was great but I realized what I was doing. I was recreating the abuse stories that happened when I was fourteen. I hadn't even thought about it in years and the connection I made hit me so hard. I still felt it was all a big mistake I had made and I deserved to suffer.