Self-help Articles

by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Early childhood abuse often leads to people finding themselves in abusive marriages. Sometimes the abuse is physical, sometimes it is emotional. Your marriage sounds like a continuation of the emotional abuse you are used to you.

Your husband's recent behavior with your sister, his previous betrayal with your other sister, when combined with the statement that he never thought about how you felt, sums up the situation.

You have described a man who has very little concern for the feelings of others. He seems to be primarily concerned with his own needs with little regard for the consequences. His unwillingness to seek professional help only demonstrates his lack of commitment to truly work on the marriage.

About Husband And Your Reaction

While it is understandable that you would be devastated by the disclosures, you are behaving as though you did something wrong. You seem to be paying a far greater price for what your husband has done than he is. This is common among victims of abuse.

Often they feel as though they are at fault. You did nothing wrong; you are the victim. Your depression may be the result of not only the sense of betrayal, but of turning the anger you probably experiencing inward. Anger and hurt are appropriate reactions to being deceived.

I could say much about the issue of sexuality. Your husband's critical comments suggest that your husband's sexuality is more about power than it is about either intimacy or sexuality.

Sexuality is an intimate act where both parties feel good about themselves and each other. If it does not feel good, then it is not good. There are no rights and wrongs when the interaction is mutually pleasurable and each party feels respected.

Perhaps you should seek psychological counseling yourself in order to help gain perspective on your marriage and to help you to integrate both your present and your past. Psychotherapy might be able to help you deal with your hurt and anger more effectively.

You might be able to develop your self-esteem after years of being told that something was wrong with you and being treated with such lack of consideration. Though your original inquiry was about husband, it is also important to improve your self-esteem.

There are several articles in the Self-help and Psychology magazine that deal with abuse, self-esteem, and sexuality. You might peruse the Resource Department.

About the Author:

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment. Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.