SelfhelpMagazine

by Gerry Brown

By the time I was a teenager, I had long since stopped asking my adoptive mother the question of who I looked like. In response, she would always shrug her shoulders and act as if I had just asked her for the blueprint to the Atom Bomb.

Even if she had invented a story to appease me, I doubt that I would have believed her anyway. I had many strong abandonment issues.

A majority of children who were abandoned physically or emotionally by a parent(s) have never learned the essential element of trust required for a healthy life. Like a child being taught to ride a bike, should the adult holding the bike suddenly let go, and the child takes a bad fall, the child may never trust another to hold the seat.

Trusting becomes limited in these children. What is more easily understood is distrust of others, and for some, a distrust of self that eventually can impede decision making and crucial life choices.

Abandoned children also quickly learn self-preservation. They construct boundaries and walls to protect themselves.

On guard, fearful of being hurt, some may become defiant, hostile, and belligerent to chase away those who may have gotten too close. At the other extreme, some may tend to defer to others, do what is expected of them in an attempt to avoid disapproval and further rejection.

No matter the behavior, abandoned children may feel rootless, alone in a crowd, and often become self-contained and self-reliant. They may resist becoming attached or dependent upon others for fundamental fear and expectation of being let down.

Instead, they will depend upon themselves for survival. Accepting help, which may be construed as dependence, as obligation, and as a loss of personal power, can be extremely difficult and uncomfortable.

These children grow into adults who are never without an escape hatch from relationships, a contingency plan, for when their inevitable rejection finally occurs. Some may even orchestrate rejection just to be relieved of the burden of waiting for it to happen.

A few may even choose partners who they think will be easy to leave for when the time comes. Because they cannot trust, they often cannot easily be vulnerable and will therefore, not fully experience love.

Although some may long and search for a sense of identity and belonging, they do not feel deserving and may prohibit themselves from receiving praise and love. Rather, it is common for them to challenge people who profess to love them with tests to prove sincerity.

Conversely, when they love, when they bond, they do so fiercely, and will protect and excuse at all costs those they love. Loyalty is usually unconditional and giving can be to a detriment.

Their own needs become second. It is essential that they provide those they love with the security that they themselves may lack. Extraordinary allowances are made for those they love.

Abandonment Issues Exposed

Those who may eventually be coaxed out of hiding often find themselves floundering in a sea of uncertainty, of extreme and complex emotion with an undertow of terror that can produce almost instantaneous highs to lows and contradictory behaviors and reactions. Without armor, they are vulnerable and exposed prey. It is as if they have awakened one morning on Mars.

A later rejection, or perceived rejection, by the person whom they have been prompted to trust and believe, to whom they have clung and entrusted themselves for safety and reassurance, can prove disastrous. The betrayal validates their core belief of why the original abandonment by their parent(s) occurred to begin with; they are unworthy and unlovable because they are defective.

Coping mechanisms and resulting behaviors vary and depend on the individual. Shock and disbelief may be followed by self-incrimination and assumed responsibility for the rejection. Self-destructive behavior to annihilate pain and desperation for safety may occur.

There can be displays of anger that keep others at bay, no matter their well intent. Anxiety, depression, and withdrawal into protective seclusion may often be the result.

These people were survivors as children and are so as adults using the same techniques they mastered in youth. Some may seek therapy and come to realize behavioral patterns that can be changed for future healthy relationships.

Still others may not. They will instead retreat to known safety and continue to experience difficultly trusting and believing in others.

While these abandonment survivors will recover and go on to have other relationships of fulfillment, it is doubtful that they will ever risk another total unmasking. What the child learns in the early years gets ingrained and can be difficult for the adult to access. Yet, it is often only through adult relationships that abandonment issues begin to resolve.

References:

1. Paton, Jean M. (1968) Orphan Voyage. Vantage Press
2. Fisher, Florence (1973) The Search For Anna Fisher. Arthur Fields Books

About the Author:

Gerry Brown is a political/environmental activist in South Florida. She is the editor and originator of Reunite Our City (ROC), a citywide newsletter and organization.