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Women Who Can't Have Intercourse
by Karen M. Donahey, Ph.D.
Mary, age 25, has been married for one year. While she and her husband are very much in love, they share a secret they have told no one. Despite numerous attempts, they have been unable to have sexual intercourse. She has also never been able to insert a tampon or finger into her vagina.
Betsey, age 32, confides in her gynecologist that while she is able to have a pelvic exam, she and her boyfriend have been unsuccessful in having sexual intercourse. Upon further questioning, her doctor learns that Betsey is still a virgin.
What Mary and Betsey have in common is a condition called vaginismus. Vaginismus is an involuntary spasm of the muscles surrounding the vaginal opening which occurs whenever an attempt is made to penetrate the vagina. For some women, such as Mary, any attempt to insert anything into the vagina is unsuccessful. For other women, such as Betsey, certain types of penetration can occur without pain or discomfort, such as putting in a tampon or undergoing a pelvic exam, however, when intercourse is attempted, penetration is impossible.
What causes this to occur? In most cases, this is not due to a physical deformity or disorder. Instead, it is an emotional condition that occurs because of psychological reasons but manifests itself in a physical response. The majority of women with vaginismus believe that intercourse will be very painful; often thinking that their vagina is too small to accommodate the penis and therefore, their vagina will be ripped or stretched too far.
Consequently, they develop a phobic response to the penis; associating it with pain. Other women have indeed experienced some type of trauma to the vagina or genital region, such as rape, sexual abuse, or surgery, which then leads to a fear of intercourse. And, unfortunately, for some women, it is their first pelvic examination that causes them to be fearful. Lack of sensitivity on the physician's part, or neglecting to adequately inform the patient what she can expect, has sometimes contributed to the pelvic exam being a negative experience for women; causing them to fear sexual intercourse.
Sometimes the type of relationship a woman has with her partner or the feelings she has about the relationship interfere with her ability to have intercourse. Women who do not feel physically or emotionally safe with their partner may "shut down" via their bodies. In these cases, vaginismus is not a conscious decision but is a consequence of a desire to protect their bodies and themselves.
Some women who have been brought up to believe that sexual intercourse is wrong to engage in before marriage, or have conflict regarding sexuality and behaving sexually may also find themselves having difficulty with intercourse. Not having intercourse protects these women from doing something they feel wrong doing. For some women, it is the possible consequences of intercourse (pregnancy, childbirth, or sexually transmitted diseases), that make them fearful.
As stated earlier, in the majority of cases, vaginismus is a physical response as a result of emotional factors. However, in a small number of cases, physical factors (such as the presence of a rigid hymen, or deformities of the vagina) can make penetration of the vagina impossible.
Additionally, although physical conditions, such as endometriosis, vaginal infections, or an episiotomy are not directly responsible for a woman experiencing vaginismus, they may, through association, contribute to vaginismus indirectly through conditioning. What this means is if a woman experiences pain upon intercourse, or with a pelvic exam, this may lead to a self-protecting tightening of the vaginal muscles the next time she attempts to have intercourse.
Many women who suffer from vaginismus believe this problem is unique to them. There is a tremendous sense of shame and embarrassment at not being able to do something that is perceived as being simple and natural. A large number of women who eventually seek help admit they have never confided in anyone for fear of being ridiculed and humiliated.
In their relationships with their partners, women with vaginismus often experience feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Over time, if they continue to fail in their attempts to have intercourse, many couples eventually decide to stop trying. The inability to be successful and establish a full sexual relationship usually places significant strain on the relationship as a whole.
It is important to know that there is help available for overcoming vaginismus. A key factor, however, is knowing where to get help. Unfortunately, there are still some physicians and gynecologists who may not be very sensitive to a woman's concerns or see the problem as simply one of "needing to relax" or "not worrying." If this is your experience, seek out another physician or gynecologist who understands what vaginismus is. Even if he or she does not treat vaginismus, they should be able to refer you to someone who does, such as a sex therapist.
A sex therapist may be a psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, or nurse who specializes in problems dealing with sexuality and sexual functioning. If your doctor does not know of someone like this, you may want to check with major hospitals and/or medical schools to see if they offer sex therapy services. You can also contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists in Chicago at 312-644-0828 for a listing of certified sex therapists in your state.
Treatment for vaginismus consists of a combination of relaxation training and various behavioral exercises in helping the woman overcome her fear of intercourse. The husband or partner's participation in treatment and his emotional support are considered very important to the success of treatment. Sometimes, in addition to the above treatments, individual and/or couples therapy is recommended as well. In the majority of cases, treatment is successful and couples are able to move on to develop and enjoy a sexual relationship that is satisfying to them.
Resources:
LoPiccolo, Joseph, & Schoen, Mark. Treating vaginismus. (Videotape). Available through Focus International. (1-800-843-0305).
Valins, L. (1992). When a woman's body says no to sex: Understanding and overcoming vaginismus. New York: Penguin.
About the Author:
Karen M. Donahey, Ph.D. is the Director of the Sex & Marital Therapy Program in the Department of Psychiatry at Northwestern University Medical School in Chicago, IL. She works with individuals and couples whom experience sexual and relationship problems.
Revised 1/23/09 by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
I had vaginismus. The good news is, it IS treatable!! :D
I was never able to use a tampon and the first time I went to see the OBGYN was when I was 26. I was engaged to be married and needed to get an exam in order to get birth control. I was absolutely terrified. The doctor tried to do an exam and I kept crying and making horrible sounds I did not even know I could make. She eventually gave up and basically told me my marriage would not last if I did not fix this problem. I left feeling devastated and defeated.
My husband and I ended up seeing a counselor because I wanted to fix it through my brain - I didn't want to deal with it physically. I was hoping she could talk me out of the pain. I believe the counseling definitely helped to bring me to a place that I would be okay with dealing with it physically, but we did not see any tangible results until she referred me to a different OBGYN who referred me to a physical therapist. There are actually physical therapists who SPECIALIZE in treating vaginismus.
18 months after my husband and I got married, we were able to have sex for the first time. It was unbelievable. It was still a little painful, but not as painful as I had imagined it to be.
We are now able to have sex and MOST are painless. Some even feel great. There are a few positions that do not feel good, but we do not do those as often.
I don't typically post comments on articles, but having been there, I know how devastating and exhausting it is to deal with this. It's especially frustrating if you do not know anyone who has also experienced it ... so NO ONE can relate. My physical therapist introduced me to 4-5 couples that have also dealt with the same and now one of those couples are among our closest friends.
i don't have any feeling for sex.
i have the same problem :(
i a, 30 now and i have a baby too!! but i can't have sex with my husband.do not ask me how! but we were into numerous trials. i read about this topic alot but i can't find a good articale about how to treat this problem
im 27 and never had intercourse.im pretty much normal,i can get steamy with my partner,get really wet and even masturbate .but i cant have sex,i tried once with my ex bf,with a lot of struggle and lubricants,only half of his stuff inside me,and he cant get in,its so tight,it hurts,and the next day i feel trembling and unwell
my friend wife has the same problem and she underwent operation " to open all gate" lol .and now they have normal sex life and even have children
im planning to do so when i will get married.but for now i will remain like this.its tough,i often felt despair,feel like im abnormal,questioning my femininity,feel like wanna ump off a building .....lol.feel like im not a real women
Hi guys i am in the same boat and have been for five years now, everyone has to stop being so negative and start being positive please. I have never ever been able to have intercourse so im still a virgin, i am in a relationship now for 3 years and have a very patient boyfriend but i know it is taking its toll on us. Has anyone tried the vaginal dilators, lots of people have had great success with them although i haven't but maybe i was just too impatient. Another thing which i think could work for everyone is Botox i am currently filling out my forms to see if i can get this done in America so many people with stage 4 vaginismus have been cured with Botox which is the worst level of vaginismus, basically what they do is insert the largest dilator into the vagina which is the same size as an average size penis under anesthetic and then inject the botox into the tissues around the dilator which in turn causes the tissues to paralyse as that is what Botox does this is safe by the way. Ok so then they take out the dilator after the Botox has taken effect and then your Vagina is open and shaped like the largest dilator, it takes many days of treatment practising with all the dilators after this procedure, then they send you home and you try intercourse with your husband or partner slowly getting further everyday it is a gradual process and you must be patient but eventually you will be able to have penetrative sex and this tells your mind and trains your mind that it isn't painful or it does not hurt.The Botox wears off in approx 2-3 months giving your mind time to heal. I hope this helps, chin up guys there is a way :) x
My husband and I have been married for over 4yrs and we have not been able to have sex. We have tried many times but he just can't get his penis in me. I thought that it was because I was small down there and he is just too big (he is above average). I did lose me virginity years before I met my husband and had no problem with sex, so my thought was that my husband is just too big for my vagina. When I explained this to my geno, he told me to use a candle to "strech" myself out. He never diagnosed me with any thing. I was watching a talk show about women who were unable to have sex due to Vaginismus. I felt less ashamed of myself and relieved that there was a reason why I can't have sex with my husband.
I was sexually abused at age 11 and sexually and physically abused all my life by other men, I have 5 children and the man I'm currently with is a good man, but I'm unable to have any kind of sex with him, can't even stand to be touched by him, he doesnt understand and I cant tell him what I've been through in my life, I'm still trying to deal with it myself. I hate sex and anything about it, but he thinks I don't love him, so I tried to have sex with him, but I couldnt, so, now I think I am losing the only good man I have ever had over sex, the one thing that has ruined my life in the first place, anybody have any suggestions?
Hi I am married for last one year and a half but still I am not able to intercourse with my husband. Whenever he tries penetration the penis doesn't get into the vagina at all.
I guess some fear unconsciously stops me from letting my partner get into me. I need help.. my relationship with my husband is ruined because of this...
i am also in the same situation as most of you ladies.I have been trying to have sex with my boyfriend for the last month but he says there is a wall that prevents him.I am still a virgin and cannot even insert a tampon.it hurts like crazy.I went to the gyno just a week ago and she told me to try to relax and try playing with myself a little bit more.But i don't think that that is the issue am always relaxed and horny when am with my boyfriend and clearly that could not be the issue.I am thinking of going to another gyno to see if she could recommend surgery to open me up.A lot of people dont understand that this is a serious issue which can be quite frustrating for both the woman and the man.
Hi. I'm 20 & am still a virgin. Its so bad that even when I go to see my gynecologist he can't even use the tool to open me. My boyfriend and I have tried numerous times to have sex but it always fails. I don't know what else to do. I want to express my love to him but it seems as if my body won't let me. I can see him getting frustrated with me and I want to make a Change before this gets any worse.
I am a 22 year old women and have had sex before (more then once) but over the last few years i have not been sexually active this is simply because i have tried with 2 of my previous partners but it just would not happen its very embarrassing as i have had intercourse before. I am with a new man now and have not told him about this incase he decides he wants someone that can satisfy him.
Im too afraid to go and see my GP.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and I have yet to have sex with him and express my love to him physically. Sometimes I feel worthless and want to jump off a building because I can't have sex. Just recently I went to see my gynecologist to get a pelvic exam and she was only able to put about one inch of the tool she used inside of me, it did not hurt at all, but it felt as though I was about to pass out...literally, i think i was having an anxiety attack. My gynecologist stopped the procedure and explained to me that I had vagamisnus she also wrote me a script to go and see a therapist/ psycholgy. I'm excited and I hope this works because I am ready to venture off in love...literally. I'll keep you posted to let you know what happens with me.
Sincerely,
21 and still a Virgin =(
Hi I am married for last one year and a half but still I am not able to intercourse with my husband. Whenever he tries penetration the penis doesn't get into the vagina at all. I have got myself examined two times from different doctors. Both of them told that I am physically fit for intercourse. During my pelvic exam the doctor was able to insert the machine into me but i was panicking a lot. I guess the same fear unconsciously stops me from letting my partner get into me. I need help.. my relationship with my husband is ruined because of this...
It was extreamly helpful............
Thanx................
I had cervical cancer at age 29. Underwent radiation which caused scar tissue. Over the years the overgrowth of tissue prevented me from having painless intercourse. I had a surgery to remove my cervex and lengthen my vagina using colon. That was in 2006. Because radiated tissue reacts differently than non radiated tissue, my vagina has closed up at the junction where what remained of my original walls and the colon connect. Dispite my weekly (3x) attempts of dilation my doctors told me it was closing again. I now have 1inch of vagina and even that bleeds to the touch.
I desperately crave affection in my life but have sunk to such a low level of self worth that I know if I underwent the radical surgery which taked skin from one's thighs to create a new vagina, I might not be able to handle the my physical appearance. Is there anyone out there like me?
Please help.
i am 34 and still a virgin and still single
but i dont have a sexx drive
i have androgenous insensitiviy receptor syndrome or something like that
i was born with incomplete male oragan
had a tests
didnt drop
not enough male organs
so doctors removed gonads(havent a clue of clue what that is or wheres its located) i was raised a girl and had gender reassignment surgery as a baby
or was it gender assignment surgery
i dont feel like a girl
but dont feel like a boy
but gosh i dont like girly things
like nothing feminine
i am not a tomboy or anything
just like sports electronics movies, tv , video games
i dont identify witht the female species
i dont have any female organs
if things had developed normally
i would have been a boy
but the odd thing is
there is not reason to be a girl
i am not married
cant have kids
or anything like that
so nothing has worked out or anything like that
i have no need to reproduce
no feelings to reproduce
i dont want sex
but feel left out and saddened
not because i dont want to have sex nor the means to do it
i feel saddend because sex really present obtstacles and problems
i genuinely and sincerely and disinterestd in it
it doesnt appeal to me
doesnt excite me in any way
i dont havev a vagina
i have hep c
serioulsy my mom thinks its a fear of the unknown
perhaps
but also a 100% interest in the known
i dont need sex
dont need it to survive
nothing depends on me having sex
sex is not not normal to me
its not natural
also i have been single every second of my life
have never dated
people say a relationship cant survive without it
but why do so many relationships fail with it!!!!!
becauase an affair is not a relationship
and a relationship is not an affair
there is a hell of alot more to a relationship than sex
and if not
thats an affair
has this opinion that no relationship cant survive without it
is that opinion
or have studies been done and date collected
because opinion is just that
not fact of anything
there is a saying that sex ruins the friendship
really
i think this world is ovesexed
and dont like being looked down on because i dont like it
really
i have no motive means or opportuntiy to do it
but what i dont get is why i have to or would want to